


Recoil/Release

by Cheshyr



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecure Keith (Voltron), Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Team as Family, just go with it, sketchy biology, sketchy science, the abuse is never described or shown just hinted at but it is there so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-11-29 14:03:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 22,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11442399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheshyr/pseuds/Cheshyr
Summary: When Keith is bitten by an alien creature with venom that causes your dominant emotions to be amplified, the team is ready for a day of dealing with an incredibly angry paladin.Which means they're not ready at all for what actually happens.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alternately titled: anxiety is a bitch even without sketchy alien science making it worse
> 
> This takes place ambiguously during early on in season 1.

It was supposed to be a simple mission. It was barely a mission at all, really. For the last week, the castle had been drifting through a mostly uninhabited sector of the universe, giving them time to rest, train, and better prepare themselves without the constant threat of being ambushed by Zarkon’s army. On this particular morning, Allura noticed that they were approaching a small, green planet. As the team was eating breakfast, the princess announced that she wanted them to go down to the planet to investigate.

“If I am recalling correctly, that is the planet Insulus. It’s a jungle planet, and although people often went there to collect medicinal herbs, it was too small, and its weather was too volatile, to make it desirable to settle on long term. However, that _was_ ten thousand years ago. So I’d like you to go down and see whether it remains uninhabited.”

“I’ve also got a list of plants I’d like you to keep an eye out for!” Coran piped up, “We’d be smart to keep a good supply of medicines on board, in case the healing pods are ever out of commission.”

Shiro nodded, his face serious despite the casual air of the Alteans, “When you say the weather is ‘volatile’…”

“I mean it’s unpredictable,” Allura elaborated, “the climate can remain stagnant, going through decades long storms or drought, or it can go from one extreme to another in a matter of hours,” she turned to face the rest of the paladins, “that’s why I don’t want you down there too long. Our scanners show that, while there are a few storms currently, there is nothing too dangerous. The planet is fairly small, so if you each take a section, you can confirm any population, harvest what you can, and be back here before any drastic changes.”

“Easy-peasy!” Coran chimed in, grinning widely, “You’ll be back before lunch!”

“So, you just want us to wander around a jungle for a few hours?” Pidge had a look of dread on her face, slumping down in her seat.

Hunk glanced over, confused, “Wait, aren’t you the guardian of the forest or something?”

“Proof that Allura had just met me when she made that assignment.”

Allura furrowed her brows indignantly, “Hey-“

“Alright, alright,” Shiro cut in. His hands were raised in a peacemaking gesture, but they could all see the way his lips twitched towards a smirk, “Pidge, it’s only for the morning. Like Coran said, you’ll be back in front of your computer by lunch.”

The only response he received was a long groan.

~

The planet really is small. It’s hard to really visualize the comparison, but Keith thinks it’s maybe the size of Earth’s moon. A little smaller, perhaps. Red lands roughly, weaving as best she can between branches before splashing into the murky swamp Keith had been assigned to. Stepping outside, the paladin grimaces at the thick humidity. The air buzzes with insects, and Keith steps cautiously into the water, finding it only about knee deep. Still unpleasant though.

However, his mood brightens considerably when he looks to his left and immediately spots a tree trunk covered in an abundance of dark purple moss. Keith recognizes it from the list Coran had given them, long names with pictures beside them so the paladins knew what to look for. 

“Cool, I already found something,” Keith comments casually into the comm in his helmet as he wades over to the tree.

“What??” Lance cries indignantly, “Well, you just got lucky! And luck will not help you against my superior gathering skills in the long run!”

“What are you talking about?” Keith questioned, shoving moss into one of the plastic bags he’d been provided with, “This entire mission is based on luck, we’re just supposed to wander around and hope we find stuff.”

“That is the exact attitude that will lead to your downfall!”

Keith sighs as he continues gathering handfuls of moss, Lance chattering away in his helmet. After filling the bag, he continued trekking through the swamp, trying to see if he could find any of the other plants Coran had told them about. 

It’s pretty boring all things considered. Even Lance eventually trails off, running out of things to keep himself entertained wherever he was. Occasionally one of them will pipe up when they find something weird or interesting, but it’s mostly quiet. The swamp gets deeper, rising to his waist, and Keith could feel the murky, alien water soaking through his under armor, and his whole body feels sticky with sweat and grime. Along with the moss, he manages to find two other plants that could be useful to the paladins according to the Alteans. Keith was just about to turn around and head back to his lion and call it a day when his luck runs out.

Too quick for him to even realize what’s happening, Keith moves forward and steps on something alive. He can feel it slither frantically around his legs, but the water is too murky for him to see it. Before he can grab and activate his bayard, he feels a sharp pain low on his waist where his armor is un-plated. 

Yelping, Keith feels more annoyed than anything. Forgoing his bayard all together, the red paladin thrusts his arm into the water, grabbing the creature at his side. Tearing whatever it was out of the water, ignoring the stinging from his side, Keith finds himself faced with what looks like a cross between an eel and a centipede. It’s face looked like a fish, almost like a piranha with thin sharp teeth and swollen white eyes, but its long body had dozens of tiny, crab-like legs, waving wildly as it thrashed in the air.

Scowling, Keith wasted no time twisting the fish’s neck with a sharp ‘crack’, leaving it limp in his hands. With that taken care of, Keith glanced around, snatching the bags of vegetation he had dropped during the scuffle from where they were floating in the water. Slowly, he made his way towards a line of trees, stepping carefully in case anything else lurked in the swamp. After a moment he was able to step up onto a large root, allowing him to get out of the water enough to see the damage at his side.

He winced at the sight of the torn black under armor, blood oozing from just above his left hipbone and down his thigh. Then he pulled the material back to get a better look at the wound itself. There was a ring of teeth marks, small, but deep, torn a bit from when he had ripped the creature away. It was already starting to look red and puffy. Keith glanced between the wound, the green-grey alien water, and the alien fish-bug still in his hand. 

“Well this is probably bad.” He deadpanned.

“What is?” Shiro’s voice rang through Keith’s helmet, startling him out of his rumination, “Keith? Is everything alright?”

Keith had honestly forgotten about the other paladins, otherwise he would have waited until he was back to say anything. But it was too late now, so he sighed heavily, “It’s possible,” he spoke slowly, staring down at the thing in his hand, “that something bit me.”

Immediately the comm link was a buzz of different voices.

“’ _Possible_ ’??”

“Kinky-”

“We talking mosquito or shark type bite here? Cause those are very different bites, Keith!!”

“Limb, face, or groin? Also very different bites.”

“There’s a lot of factors to consider in this situation!”

Sliding back into the water, ignoring the sting when his wound was submerged once more, Keith started trudging back towards Red, content to let the other paladins chatter in his ear rather than try to speak over them. 

A few minutes passed before Hunk finally cried out louder than the others, “Oh my God, Keith’s not talking!”

Lance snorted, “Well that’s not unusual,” though there was still a tinge of concern when he spoke.

“Keith, buddy, is everyth-“

“KEITH ARE YOU ALIVE??” Hunk cut Shiro off, voice panicked.

For a moment, there was silence. 

“…You guys got everything out of your system now or…?” Keith huffed.

The red paladin received three sighs and one “Don’t DO that to me, man!” from Hunk before he continued. 

“I got bit by a weird fish. The wound’s not too big but it did break through my under armor. It’s on my side, and it’s already feeling pretty inflamed but I don’t know if that’s because of venom or because it’s being washed out with swamp water. Either way, probably gonna need some serious disinfectant back at the castle.” 

“Alright, let’s all start heading back,” Shiro commanded, “We’ve been here long enough anyway. I’ll let Allura and Coran know what happened.”

“I managed to find a few things, at least.” Keith offers.

“Oh! Oh! Me too!” Lance chimes in, “I bet I found more than you!”

Keith rolled his eyes, positive that Lance would be able to sense it if not see it, “Sure you did.”

“And my stuff is probably better, too! Take that!”

“You don’t even know if that’s true yet!”

“Guys, please,” Shiro sighed. Well, he figured, if Keith was still able to bicker with Lance then surely the situation wasn’t dire.

~

When Red finally lands in the Castle, the rest of the team is waiting for them. It had taken Keith the longest to get back to his Lion, having been the farthest away. Keith groaned when he saw the others already out of their own ships. He knows that he wont be able to walk properly, the pain having increased over his trek as the skin around his hip bone swelled slightly, and the idea of limping in front of his team makes his stomach churn. There’s no way around it, Keith knows that, but it still takes a few moments for him to gather himself before he grits his teeth and makes his way out into the hangar. 

Keith’s stomach still feels strangely unsettled, but Red is a warm presence in his mind, and so he limps down the ramp calmly, straight-faced as he approaches his team. Shiro frowns, and he and Pidge make their way over quickly, Hunk and Lance trailing behind. 

“Are you alright? How are you feeling?” Shiro questions. 

Keith shrugs and is about to answer when Lance suddenly shrieks, “What the hell is _that_?!” He points franticly to Keith’s right hand.

Looking down, Keith had almost forgotten, “Oh yeah, this is what bit me,” he says casually, holding out the fish, causing the paladins to back away slightly, Hunk and Lance clinging to each other dramatically as they squeak in dismay.

“Woooah,” Pidge looks at the creature with a mixture of curiosity and disgust, “that’s kind of cool. You know, in an eldritch horror kind of way.”

“ _Why do you have it?_ ” Lance’s voice is high pitched as he stares at the thing, trying in vain to hide behind Hunk who is trying to hide behind him.

“I thought it would be easier than trying to describe it,” Keith responds nonchalantly. After a moment, he smirks deviously and steps towards the blue paladin, holding the fish out more, “You wanna touch it?”

“ _No!_ ” Lance shrieks, Hunk abandoning him as Keith approaches.

“Oh come on, it’s dead! It’s not gonna do anything!” Keith limps after him, chasing as Lance darts away.

“I don’t care! Get it away from me you freak!” Ducking behind their leader, Shiro sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“Keith, leave Lance alone.” 

Relenting, Keith smirks and limps back next to Pidge who is snickering behind her hand. Lance peaks out from behind Shiro, glaring when he sees he’s safe.

“This is why no one likes you,” he hisses. Keith raises an eyebrow and flips him off, Pidge sticking her tongue out next to him. Hunk looks like he’s about to pass out.

Before Shiro can scold them more, Allura and Coran arrive, walking swiftly towards the group.

“Why are you all still here? Keith, you are wounded, I expected you to go straight to the med bay,” Allura sends Shiro a side glance, eyes narrowed in a way that clearly says, _I expected you to MAKE him go straight to the med bay._

Shiro shuffles sheepishly, clearing his throat as he moves to place his hand on Keith’s back, guiding him gently from the room, “We were, ah, just heading there, Princess. Sorry for the delay.”

Allure only hums in response, following closely behind. No one tells the other paladins to follow, but curiosity and concern pull them in a line behind the rest, until all seven are filing into a large exam room in the medical wing. Keith winces as he sits, holding his arm out a bit to allow Allura to cut away at the under armor. She wastes no time pressing a glauze that is damp with what Keith assumes is the Altean version of antiseptic to the ring of teeth marks. He sucks in a breath through his nose, but otherwise remains still. 

Coran clears his throat and steps forward, “Now Keith, in as much detail as possible, tell me about what it was tha- GOOD LORD,” The older man is abruptly cut off by Keith nonchalantly holding up the fish, it’s tongue sliding lifelessly from the creature’s mouth while Keith fixed Coran with an unimpressed stare.

“Oh, I-uh…hm… honestly not sure how I didn’t notice that sooner,” the advisor quickly shakes off his perplexed expression, gently taking the fish from Keith’s hand as Allura finished cleaning the wound, gently taping a bandage over it.

“So,” Hunk raises his hand questioningly at Coran, “do you know what it is?”

“Well,” Coran grimaces as he looks over the fish, “yes…”

As he trails off, the paladins each tense, Shiro speaking with concern thick in his voice, “What? What is it? Is it deadly?”

“Oh, no! No, no, I’m sorry,” the entire rooms sighs in relief as Coran rubs the back of his head, “It’s not deadly, just… troublesome.”

“What does THAT mean?” Pidge asks.

Sighing, Coran explains, “It’s called animotus. They’re nasty little buggers. Their venom amplifies your emotions. Or rather, an emotion. In general, the dominant emotion you feel on a regular basis will be the one that intensifies. There’s no known antidote, but luckily the venom wears off naturally in roughly twenty hours, with the effects steadily rising, peaking at ten hours, and then declining.”

For a moment, the room is quiet as the paladins absorb the information. Eventually, Lance groans dramatically, “Oh great, he’s gonna be biting our heads off all day!”

“Nah,” Pidge smirked as she crossed her arms, “just yours.”

“Hey!” Lance pouted as the green paladin snickered. Turning, he gasped when he saw the unimpressed glare Keith was leveling at him, “Oh no! It’s already starting!”

“No it’s not, you’re just being dumb!” Keith snapped. 

Shiro sighed, stepping over to place a hand on Keith’s shoulder, “Alright, enough. All things considered, the situation isn’t that bad. We’re lucky you weren’t bitten by something more dangerous,” the older paladin squeezed Keith’s shoulder affectionately, “I think we can handle one day of… volatile emotions,” he teased. Keith groaned, lowing his head into his hands as the other paladins chuckled. 

“Why don’t you all get cleaned up and out of your armor and then head into the dining room for some lunch,” Allura suggested, “I think everyone will feel better after having something to eat.”

“Yes!” Lance and Hunk exchanged high fives, as Pidge sighed in relief. The green paladin was already halfway out the room, “Thank you, I needed a shower an hour ago.” The teenagers raced from the room, Shiro pulling Keith up and dragging the scowling boy behind him as the Alteans followed behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why yes, I DO have headcanons about how every character would be affected by my alien plot-fish.
> 
> Hit me up: jamwiththe-spacefam.tumblr.com


	2. Chapter 2

“Sooo, Coran,” Lance smirked, facing Coran but looking at Keith, “Who would you say got the best haul from our little excursion today?”

“Oh, Pidge, certainly,” the Altean responded without hesitation. He continued, ignoring Lance’s sputtering indignation and Keith and Pidge’s smug high fives, “Not only did she bring back the most items from the list, she managed to find a good deal of sanitatem blossoms! They’re incredibly effective when used in antibacterials. Definitely good to have on hand.”

“Guardian of the forest, bitches!” Pidge grinned widely at Lance, making finger guns at him.

The rest of the paladins snickered while Lance pouted, “You were complaining about that earlier!” he pointed out.

“That was before I won. I’m embracing it now.”

“Ugh, fine, whatever!” Lance turned back to Coran, “Who had the second best haul?”

“Well, it’s hard to say. How am I judging? Amount of vegetation? How diverse the haul was? How valuable the individual plants are?”

“Uh, which category would I win in?”

“Hey!” Keith spoke around a mouthful of food, “That’s cheating!”

“I’m just asking hypothetically!”

“No, you’re asking so you can rig it, which is the only way you’d win.”

“You don’t know that! Coran hasn’t even answered yet!” 

Both boys turn to pin Coran with matching fiery glares. The man feels himself sweating, “Er, it wasn’t really a competition, was it? As long as we’ve got a well stocked ship, we’re all winners!”

“Exactly!” Shiro jumps in, “You don’t need to compete against each other, because you’re on the same team! And together you-“

“Great, you scared Coran out of giving a straight answer,” Lance snapped at Keith.

“Me? You’re the one who started harassing him about it!”

“I wasn’t ‘harassing’ him, I was asking a question!”

“You were tying to find a loophole to losing.”

“I was TRYING to-“

“Oh my God, I beat both of you, just shut up!” Pidge exclaimed, dropping her head onto the table.

Giving each other one last glare, Lance and Keith resume their lunch, blissfully ignoring each other for the rest of the meal. Time passes as the paladins eat, chat, and allow themselves to relax. Eventually, after they have all finished eating, Shiro and Hunk, engrossed in a conversation about the pros and cons of the Garrison’s engineering program, stand and head towards the common room. Lance is desperately trying to convince Pidge to let him cut her hair (“Just to even it out!”) while Keith listens quietly. The three hardly notice how they stand and naturally follow the other two paladins out of the dining room, as the Alteans mention going to check the Castles flight plans.

Lance is fighting a losing battle with Pidge, and by the time they enter the common room he knows it. Pidge crosses her arms, sending Lance a side glare, “You can barter and bribe all you want, but you aren’t coming anywhere near my hair, Lance,” she sits beside Hunk and Shiro with an air of finality. 

Pouting, Lance quickly turns his attention to Keith, who is chuckling lightly at the exchange, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, Pidge’s hair isn’t nearly as bad as the monstrosity on your head.”

Keith frowns, “My hair is fine.”

“You have a mullet.”

“It’s not a… it’s just bangs!”

“And you cut them yourself right?” Lance grins when the only response he gets is a glare, “You totally did! You just decided to hack away at your own hair?”

“That’s what I did,” Pidge mumbles from her seat, but Lance ignores her, laughing.

“Did you even look in a mirror? Did you just grab any random scissors and- Wait. Oh my God, do NOT tell me you used your dagger to cut your hair!”

“Will you shut up about my hair already?” Keith grits out, arms crossed are he glares at the floor.

But Lance only laughs harder, “Shit, everything makes so much more sense now! Keith, buddy, your hair never stood a chance-“

Reaching out, Lance moves his hand to give Keith a patronizing pat on the shoulder. The action is familiar, and so is Keith’s initial instinct to pull away, to put himself out of the blue paladin’s reach. What is less familiar is the way Keith feels a flare in his chest, a kick of adrenaline like gasoline on a fire that exaggerates his response. 

Before he realizes what he is doing, his side-step morphs into a sharp flinch, and he hears himself snarling, “ _Don’t touch me!_ ”

Lance jerks his hand back like he was burned. The common room is silent as four sets of eyes suddenly stare at Keith in surprise. Keith is a little surprised too, and he waits for the adrenaline rush to die down. 

It doesn’t. It simply settles into a soft pulse under his skin.

“Woah, chill out, buddy. Venom starting to hit?” Lance is smirking, but Keith thinks there’s maybe a bit of worry in his eyes. Or maybe Keith is bad at reading people. Not maybe, he _is_ bad at reading people, so maybe it’s not worry at all, maybe it’s annoyance or exasperation or hurt or rage or-

Keith’s breath hitches, and he has to shake his head to stop the wild string of thoughts, blinking a few times to try to clear the remnants of whatever had just happened. He feels on edge. Jaw tense, Keith glares at Lance, “I’m fine,” he grinds out, “I’m going to go train.”

“Yeah, probably a good idea,” Lance flops down onto the couch as Keith stalks away, “Go punch some stuff and get it all out of your system!”

Clenching his fists, Keith walks a little faster, exiting just as Shiro sighs, “Why do you always antagonize him?” He doesn’t hear Lance’s response, already halfway down the hall, body tense as he stomps towards the training deck.

When he arrives, he doesn’t bother warming up, tossing his jacket to the side and calling out a command to start level 2. 

Taking a deep breath, Keith allows himself to get lost in the motions of combat. He switches between his bayard and hand to hand, giving hits, taking hits, slowly making his way through levels 2 and 3. It’s always easiest for Keith to clear his head here. He knows what he’s supposed to do, what the goal is, and time passes without him realizing. 

Level 4 is difficult, and it is soon after he begins sparring the gladiator that he notices his calm start to slip. It’s soft, like an itch in the back of his mind as he defends himself from a flurry of strikes. _Level 4 is nothing. The Galra, Zarkon, they’re far beyond this, but I haven’t even landed a hit yet._

He frowns, swiftly blocking another attack. It’s strange to lose the mindless quality training usually has for him, but it’s not like his thoughts aren’t true. Gritting his teeth, he uses the stray thought as motivation. He just needs to work harder.

Within a few minutes, Keith manages to switch from defensive to offensive, pushing the gladiator back furiously. _I have to do better._ His sword comes down hard, finally managing a hit on the robot’s shoulder. Keith exhales shakily, relief flooding him even as his movements become wilder, desperate to defeat the simulated enemy before it can make a comeback.

Finally, after what seems like forever, Keith manages to drop down, sweeping his legs out to knock the gladiator onto its back before driving his bayard through its neck. A few sparks escaped the damaged droid before it powered down completely, the level finished.

For one brief moment, Keith feels accomplished, this being the farthest he had gotten in the training levels by himself. He was getting better, stronger, he was improving.

_Not good enough._

“Begin level 5.”


	3. Chapter 3

Level seven is a nightmare. 

Multiple gladiators, each with different styles of weapons, and Keith is pretty certain that their programming is more advanced, allowing them to adapt to Keith’s fighting style. It doesn’t help that the red paladin is ragged, having gone none stop for close to an hour and a half, his side throbbing. Every time he tries to stop, he can feel his blood grow cold in his veins. 

_This is what I have to offer. I’m a good pilot and a good fighter, that’s it, that’s all I have, without that I’m nothing. If I don’t keep improving, I’m going to be left behind._

His arm aches from swinging his bayard, the sword cutting wildly through the air, hacking and slashing at alien metal. He thinks about the Galra, about Zarkon, about his team, he had to be better for them, failing wouldn’t hurt just him, there were others he had to consider now. He had to protect them. He had to earn his place. He had to earn his place by protecting them.

Two gladiators are in ruins on the floor, and Keith barely manages to bring down one more before the remaining two convene on him. He clashes swords with one, giving the other an opening to sweep it’s arm in a wide arc and crash into the paladin’s ribs. Yelping, Keith is sent tumbling across the floor. His entire body aches, and he sees the shadows of the gladiators approaching as he struggles to catch his breath.

“End training sequence!”

Shiro’s voice echoes through the room, the gladiators deactivating a few feet from their target. As Shiro approaches, Keith finds it a little harder to breathe. Shakily, he forces himself to sit up. There is something like soft static in his head, making it hard to think. The black paladin has a look of concern on his face but Keith feels like his heart is in his throat. _He saw me fail, he knows I’m weak, a good leader drops dead weight-_

“Keith, are you alright?” 

Blinking rapidly, the red paladin becomes aware of Shiro kneeling in front of him, frowning, “Are you hurt? That looked like a bad hit. You seem pale…”

The sharp adrenaline kick Keith feels when Shiro reaches out is less surprising than it was in the common room, but it’s also worse. With Lance, Keith felt like he went from okay, to not okay. But then he never really returned to stasis, only feeling more wired the longer he trained, more tense, more restless, until he got to this moment, sitting across from Shiro, sliding from not okay to even less okay.

Keith leaps to his feet, taking a few steps back, “I’m fine!” and he feels like he’s saying it to himself as much as Shiro. His body curls away from the older boy and he waits for a reprimand. 

But the black paladin only looks confused, maybe a little worried. Maybe. Or maybe angry, disappointed, trying to think of the most diplomatic way to tell Keith he needs to leave-

“Are you sure?” Shiro stands slowly, but apparently not slowly enough as Keith feels his body take another step back. He feels almost disconnected from himself, but his chest is clenching and his head feels fuzzy and Shiro is probably mad at him so he can’t bring himself to try to stop when the distance makes him feel just a little bit better. His jaw clenches and he nods tensely. He knows he messed up, that he’s still not good enough, and he just wants Shiro to leave so he can try to make it better.

Frowning, the older paladin stares at him for a moment before speaking gently, “I think maybe you should take a break for a bit. You look… tired.”

No, no, no, he doesn’t want to stop now, he can’t, he’s not finished yet he’s _still not good enough-_

But he’s not going to disobey an order after Shiro saw him fail. 

So he grits his teeth, glares at the floor, and grinds out, “…Yeah, okay.” 

Shiro’s eyebrows shoot up. He had definitely expected more of a fight. But he really did think Keith needed to rest, so he nodded, “Good. Why don’t you lay down for a bit, I’ll come get you when dinner’s ready.”

The only response he gets is another terse nod. Keith side-steps his way around Shiro, as if he doesn’t want to turn his back to him, before hurrying out of the room and out of sight. 

~

It’s not until he reaches his room and closes the door behind him that Keith realizes he left his jacket in the training deck. The skin on the back of his neck prickles and he locks the door as fast as he can.

_If you can’t take care of your possessions than you don’t get any, you can have this back if you earn it, irresponsible brat-_

Keith grabs a fistful of his own hair, pulling viciously because _what the fuck is happening to him?_ His blood feels like it’s buzzing and his entire body is tense and there is static in his head and he aches but all he can think about is getting in trouble for leaving his things lying around. The door is locked but he can’t stop staring at it, bracing himself for an angry knock, for yelling, for someone to tell him that this was the final straw. That it was bad enough he couldn’t beat level seven, is probably useless against the Galra, isn’t even good at the thing he’s supposed to be good at, and the tally marks of his flaws had finally grown too great to ignore. He barely owns anything and now he’s lost his jacket but he has to keep moving because something bad is coming and _what the fuck is happening?_

Shaking his head vigorously in an attempt to scatter his own wayward thoughts, Keith’s eyes widen in panic. Something is wrong. He takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself as his body and mind work against him and he can’t figure out why he feels so Goddamn _scared._

As his lungs expand there is a sharp pain in his side. Looking down in confusion, he lifts up the edge of his shirt to see a few spots of blood seeping through the bandage on his waist. Suddenly Keith feels his blood freeze. 

_It’s the venom. Of course, it’s just the venom, I’m fine, it’s just messing with me, I’m fine, it’s just the venom._

Except it’s not. Not really. Keith wills himself to focus, to not get lost in the frantic thoughts, to really think about what the venom does and what he’s feeling and if he’s painfully honest with himself, this is all vaguely familiar. He’s just never managed to put a name to it before, never recognized it for what it was. Keith categorized most of his feelings through absences; when he doesn’t feel relaxed, doesn’t feel happy, doesn’t feel welcome, doesn’t feel safe, doesn’t feel safe, doesn’t feel safe, and he’s never known how to express the things he doesn’t feel and so he fills the gaps with anger. Anger is easy, a barbed-wire fence concealing the empty spaces. It’s easy to lash out when Lance pushes him, when he fumbles a social interaction, when training isn’t going as well as he wants. When everyone’s homesick and he’s homeless. 

But now everything is being exaggerated, magnified, and the spaces look a lot less empty than they did before and Keith feels a lot more than ‘not safe’. He starts pacing in a tight circle in front of his bed because fuck, this is so pathetic. He’s scared, the venom made him _scared_ , made it so he can’t hide how scared he is, even to himself. What kind of paladin was he? How could the others trust him to have their backs if this is what courses through his veins? Keith trips over nothing because _oh God_ , the others. They can’t see him like this. They can’t. They’ll realize he’s weak, unworthy of being a paladin of Voltron, and they’d make him leave and where would he even go? He supposes Earth can’t be the only planet in the universe with abandoned shacks in the middle of a desert, but he doesn’t want to leave. He wants to fight, and help save the universe, and be there to protect the people who have become his friends. But obviously he’s not good enough for that so is it wrong to stay? Is this something he’s supposed to accept like everything else? Would it be kinder to just leave on his own? 

There are too many possibilities and options and outcomes and Keith is shaking and if he stays here, _here_ in his room, then _they will find him._

He doesn’t know what that means. What will happen if one of them knocks on his door and sees him, but he knows it wont be good and he has to leave, right now. 

Keith takes a few deep, steadying breaths, trying to push back the panic he feels creeping through his blood. He knows he’s not thinking straight. And he knows the venom isn’t what made him weak, but it is preventing him from figuring out what to do about it. So he’ll just find someplace in the castle to hide, lay low until the venom works its way out of his system and he can decide what he needs to do before his team decides for him.

With that plan in mind, he heads for the door. And immediately stops.

_What if they’re already out there? What if they find me? Should I just stay and lock the door? When have locks ever worked in my favor?_

Shaking his head, Keith clenches his eyes shut, trying to breath deeper, to focus through the buzzing he feels in his head. Before he can think more about it, he pushes the button to open the door, flinching slightly at the whoosh of air as the panel slides open. Glancing up and down the hallway to ensure no one was there, he cautiously makes his way out, keeping his body close to the wall.

His steps are soft and deliberate, careful not to make a sound as he passes the other paladin’s bedrooms. Once past, he breathes a sigh of relief and picks up speed. It’s not until he’s made his way past the kitchen that he realizes he doesn’t know where to go. 

The castle is huge. None of them have explored all of it. If he keeps moving away from the communal spaces, then surely he’ll find a good spot to wait this whole ordeal out. Easy enough. Keith is careful to keep quiet, reminding himself to breathe each time he notices that he’s been holding his breath. As he turns a corner, he listens for the sound of any of the others, but there is only silence. Frowning, Keith pauses his movements. Still silence. Should it be this quiet? He was still relatively close to the main areas of the castle.

Glancing down the adjacent hallway, Keith feels his chest clench. What if they were being attacked? What if the Galra managed to infiltrate the ship? What if the others had been hurt while Keith was distracted and useless? He had to keep moving, he couldn’t help if he didn’t fucking _move._

Slowly, he starts walking again, keeping close to the wall, unsheathing his dagger and holding it ready at his side. As he turns another corner, a soft ‘clang’ rings behind him and he finds himself gasping loudly, pressing his back against the wall, dagger held in front of him. But when he looks around, he sees nothing. 

_Calm down, calm down,_ he tells himself, willing himself to keep moving. There is a soft beep from a nearby door and Keith nearly jumps out of his skin. Checking his surroundings again, he frowns. Which way was he going? He thinks he might be getting closer to the rec room. But he was trying to get away from the others, wasn’t he? Or was he trying to find them in case they were under attack? Pressing his fingers to his temple, Keith clenches his eyes shut, trying to think rationally. If he hid, and they were under attack, it would be his fault if they got hurt. If he went to find them, and they weren’t under attack, than he was handing himself over to be thrown away. He can’t decide which would be worse- facing the Galra or facing his team.

Turning a corner there is a shape out of the corner of his eye and the hallway is open but he suddenly feels cornered. With a short, startled cry, he lashes out with his blade. There is a heavy ‘clang!’ and the hallway darkens, a shadow over Keith that makes him jump back with a shriek, arms in front of him, ready to fight. 

When he finally manages to blink away the panicked haze, he sees his dagger buried in one of the lights lining the hallway. He is tense and panting, but he can’t help but let out a half-hysterical giggle because Jesus Christ, he just stabbed a lamp. Shaking hands run through his hair and he laughs a little harder. He stabbed a light fixture. Oh God, oh God. He covers his mouth, stifling the hysteria, and he forces himself to calm down. Once he’s breathing normally, he straightens up, smiling and shaking his head as he retrieves his knife. Oh God, he has to get out of here. 

They’re not under attack. There would have been some sort of alarm if that happened (there always is, it’s happened before). Keith would be no good to them right now anyway (was he ever? He pushes the thought away, _not now, not now_ ). So. Turning around, Keith reorients himself to ensure he is moving away from the common areas. He has to get out of here. 

One more deep breath, and then he is moving again, dagger carefully returned to it’s sheath as he doubles back the way he came. He’s so focused inward, so intent on pushing away the venomous feelings pulsing through his veins, that he doesn’t hear the footsteps approaching.

“Oh, hey Keith.”

The red paladin swallows back a cry, but he can’t stop his body from tensing as he turns around slowly. Pidge stands in front of him, a look of confused concern on her face. Keith feels his body coil, shoulders hunched and legs ready to spring. 

There are some days where Keith feels like there’s a switch jammed in his brain, keeping him trapped in fight or flight _constantly_. “H-hey, Pidge,” But right now, it doesn’t feel like a switch. It feels like a dial being slowly turned to the right and he cannot make it stop. 

Frowning, Pidge tilts her head to the side, “Are you alright? You don’t look so good…”

On every other day, when his body screams at him to fight or fly, he screams back ‘ _fight’_. 

Keith swallows thickly, shaking his head lightly to try to clear his thoughts, try to hold himself together just a little longer, “Yeah, yeah, no, yeah I’m fine, I…”

But this is _Pidge_. The green paladin that Red is so fond of, his teammate, his friend, the one who never turns him away, who seems to make it her mission to make him feel at home and sometimes even succeeds, and Keith realizes in that moment that he doesn’t _want_ to fight her. He doesn’t want to fight any of them. Maybe they didn’t care about him, but he cared about them more than he meant to and he didn’t want to fight them. 

“Are you sure?”

He knows the answer now. Which would be worse, facing the Galra or facing his team? 

He can fight the Galra.

“You’re looking kind of-“ 

When Pidge takes a step forward, the static turns into sirens that start howling in his mind. He cares about them too much to fight back, and it feels like everything in his body is screaming _you cannot defend yourself._

Keith lets out a panicked yelp, recoiling violently as he scurries backwards, eyes clenched shut, waiting. 

“…Keith?”

When his eyes snap open, Pidge is looking at him with wide eyes filled with an emotion he cannot recognize anymore. His breaths come in short, shallow gasps.

Pidge begins to raise her hand, and Keith cannot fight. So he turns around and flees.


	4. Chapter 4

When Pidge turned the corner and first saw Keith, she was admittedly a little nervous. Several hours had passed since the bite, meaning that Keith must be feeling the effects by now, and even though Pidge knew that it wouldn’t be Keith’s fault if he lashed out at any of them, that didn’t mean she looked forward to most likely getting yelled at by her friend.

“Hey Keith.”

But even as the words left her mouth, Pidge knew that something was not right. As soon as she spoke Keith had tensed, his muscles ridged as he turned to look at her. 

“H-hey, Pidge,” The red paladin was pale, sweat beginning to gather on his forehead.

“Are you alright? You don’t look so good…” His hands twitched at his sides, and Pidge watched as his body began to tremble. He looked sick.

Keith shook his head a few times, “Yeah, yeah, no, yeah I’m fine, I…” 

“Are you sure? You’re looking kind of-“ Stepping forward, Pidge raised an arm, worried that the red paladin might collapse right in front of her as he somehow managed to pale further. But she had barely moved when Keith shrieked, flinching sharply as he frantically backed away from her. 

He looked like he was bracing for a blow.

“…Keith?”

Keith’s eyes snapped open, wide and frenzied. He looked less like a deer in the headlights and more like a hare before a wolf, and Pidge was suddenly very, very aware that Keith was not angry at all.

And then he bolted. 

“Hey!” Pidge doesn’t think she’s ever seen him move so fast, sprinting with a desperation to escape. To escape _her_.

“Wait!” She darts after him, but her shorter legs and less muscled body leaves her far behind, and by the time she follows him around the corner, the hallway is empty. “Keith?” Panting, the green paladin frantically searched the adjacent rooms, throwing open every door, but Keith is gone. 

Keith is gone and he’s _terrified_.

Turning around, Pidge starts running back towards the common room.

“SHIRO!”

~

When Pidge had left the common room, telling her teammates she was going to continue working on one of her new robotics projects, they had all assumed that they wouldn’t be seeing the green paladin for some time. Once invested in a project, one of the other paladins usually had to drag Pidge away after they deemed that it had been too long since the youngest had had food or social interaction. Which was why Shiro, Hunk, and Lance were surprised to see her burst back into the room not twenty minutes later. That surprise turned to alarm when they saw the panic on her face.

“Shiro!” Pidge was panting, “Shiro, guys, it’s not anger!”

“Pidge, breathe, what are you talking about?” Shiro immediately entered leader mode, standing swiftly so he could put a comforting hand on the young girl’s shoulder.

“ _Keith._ ” Her voice sounded strained as she said the name. Before she could continue, Allura and Coran rushed in, the four paladins jumping at their entrance.

“What’s going on?” The princess balanced concern and command in her voice, “We saw Pidge running down the hall. We called out but you didn’t respond.” It made sense, the paladin hadn’t really been paying attention to her surroundings, too focused on getting back to her teammates for help.

“It’s Keith,” Pidge tried to keep her voice steady, pulling away from Shiro to address the whole room, “the venom isn’t amplifying his anger. It’s amplifying fear.”

“What?” Shiro’s eyes widen, but he doesn’t look surprised, exactly. Pidge thinks he mostly looks worried. 

The rest of the room reacts with more shock, Hunk and Lance standing from their seats, both looking on with confusion. It is Coran who steps forward, “That can’t be,” disbelief is thick in his voice, “the venom doesn’t just choose a random emotion to latch onto. It affects the emotion your brain is most familiar with, the one that already has the most chemical presence in your body.”

Pidge opens her mouth to speak but is cut off by Hunk, “Yeah, I mean, even when we form Voltron and are fighting giant, scary space armies, Keith never gets scared!” 

“You don’t-“

“It’s probably a trap!” Lance cuts her off this time, waving his arms dramatically, “He obviously still has the presence of mind to try to catch us off guard!”

“That’s not-“

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” Coran interrupts, stroking his moustach.

“He’s-“

“Oh, you can’t underestimate him,” Lance crosses his arms petulantly, “I’d rather stay out of his way until he’s his normal level of jerk. Right now he probably wants us to be completely defenseless before he unleashes the fires of his rage-”

“Will you shut _up_!” 

Pidge lets her voice echo through the room before turning to shoot accusatory glares at her team, landing on Lance last, “That’s _not_ what’s happening. I don’t know if you don’t trust me or if you just hate Keith that much, but you didn’t see him. I did, and I promise you, he was _terrified_ of me,” A thread of sorrow weaves between her anger, “And then he ran away, and now I can’t find him. He’s somewhere on this giant ship, alone, and scared, and it’s only going to get worse because there’s still a few hours before the venom reaches it’s peak. I came to you guys because we’re his teammates. Friends, _supposedly_ ,” the group flinches at the way she spits the words at them, “so I’m going to need you to stop being a dick, for _one goddamn day_ , so we can help him!” 

By the end of her rant, Pidge had made her way right in front of Lance, finger pressed harshly into his chest as her voice steadily rose. Before her, Lance’s eyes were wide with shock, and shame, and sadness, and when he spoke it was a whisper, “I’m sorry.”

Pidge lets out a short breath through her nose as she steps back. She’s still mad, but not enough to forget that there are more pressing matters at hand.

After a moment, Shiro speaks up, “I… I thought something seemed off when I saw him in the training room earlier.” His brows are furrowed with thought, “He was… twitchy, I guess? I figured he was just fighting the effects of the venom. It never occurred to me he could be…”

“Why would it?” Hunk spoke up, “Like I said, Keith never,” He pauses, “he never _seems_ scared? And, it’s supposed to be, I mean, Coran said it’s the emotion you feel most, right? So even with battles and stuff, we’re usually here, in the castle, together. Why wouldn’t he feel safe?” The last sentence is soft, asking himself as much as anyone else.

“The ‘whys’ aren’t important,” Allura steps forward, “Right now, we need to focus on finding him. The castle is large, and there is a lot of dangerous equipment and weapons he could cause damage with if he’s not thinking clearly.”

“Do you think he’d try to leave?”

Everyone snaps to look at Lance, his voice softer than usual. Shrugging, he elaborates, “I mean, if he really doesn’t feel safe here, what’s stopping him from taking Red and making a break for it?”

For a moment, everyone is still. Then, all at once, they collectively rush out the door and start running for the hangar.


	5. Chapter 5

The first time Pidge and Keith had an all-nighter together was after the attack on the castle, Lance still in a healing pod. The green paladin had decided to start work on some modifications for her lion. She had an idea for a cloaking device that she thought could come in handy, and so had settled down in the hangar, quickly becoming surrounded by tools and equipment and wires.

Several hours had passed, far past when it had been recommended the paladins turn in for the night, when Pidge heard footsteps approaching. Sighing, she had braced herself for a lecture from Shiro about taking care of herself and resting. But when she turned around, it was Keith walking towards her.

“Oh, uh, hey Keith.” 

He stopped more than a few feet away, like he was worried about getting into the green paladin’s space, leaving extra distance between them just to be safe. Taking a soft breath, Keith looked up to meet Pidge’s confused gaze. 

“I’m sorry.” When the confusion remained, he continued, “For what I said before. I’m glad you decided to stay, but I shouldn’t have lashed out at you. I was insensitive.”

Pidge is honestly surprised. She had assumed Keith’s “Good to have you back on the team” and warm smile _was_ his apology. She had certainly already forgiven him.

But it’s touching, that he felt the need to come to her and say it plainly, and so she smiles, “It’s okay. I don’t have any hard feelings. And besides, it’s understandable you were upset.” 

This time Keith looks surprised, like he wasn’t expecting it to be that easy, “Oh. Thank you.”

It doesn’t seem like he has anything else to say, so Pidge expects him to turn and leave, and he does start to. But he seems… hesitant. He spends a few moments looking at the door before he actually begins to make his way towards it. Pidge can feel Green in her mind, like a gentle nudge forward. _“Go on.”_

“Do you want to hang here for a bit?” She speaks the words before she even finishes thinking about it, “It’s boring as hell doing this stuff alone, plus I feel crazy talking to myself. Not to mention half my tools somehow made it outside the range of my arms.” Demonstrating, Pidge leans forward to dramatically try and fail to grasp a bundle of wires just out of her reach.

Keith lets out a soft huff of laughter, his eyes wide with surprise and something close to relief. He doesn’t answer, but turns back and sits down, still leaving space between them, but close enough to toss the mass of wires into Pidge’s waiting arms.

Smiling widely, the young technician launches into an in depth explanation of what she was trying to do, Keith nodding along and occasionally handing her things.

They stay there through the night, both of them getting a stern talking to from Shiro in the morning, but Pidge still can’t shake her concern about how their hotheaded red paladin had an easier time apologizing than he did asking to stay.

~

Keith doesn’t remember running to the hangar. He hadn’t thought about where he was running at all, but when he finally stops, out of breath and legs shaking, he becomes aware of the voice in his head.

_“Keith. Keith. Listen to me, I’m here.”_

He wonders how long Red has been speaking to him before his head cleared enough for him to hear it. The other lions reach out to him as well. While each paladin could only _speak_ to their own lion, they could communicate somewhat with all of them, though it was only through feelings and senses, like Keith had felt from Blue in the desert. Behind Red’s voice he thinks he feels stormy waves, stalagmites in caverns, branches creaking under too much weight, solar flares. He thinks they feel worried.

 _“Keith.”_ Blinking, the red paladin sucks in a deep breath and tries to keep himself present, focusing on his lion’s voice, _“Keith, come here, you’re safe. I will protect you.”_

That’s right. He’s safe with Red. Whatever he fears, he’s safe with Red. Keith begins walking towards her slowly, legs still trembling from his run, heart still hammering in his chest. For a moment, as he comes to stand before her, Keith feels a glimmer of hope, that maybe he’ll be able to rest soon.

The dial turns a little farther.

Keith stops walking.

_“Keith.”_

“You didn’t want me either.” His breath is raspy, and he’s barely aware of what he’s said until the words are hanging in the air. Red feels tense in his mind.

_“Keith-“_

“Would you have chosen me if I wasn’t the last one left?” There is a tremor in his voice, and he finds himself stepping back, suddenly hyper-aware of how Red seems to loom before him, how powerful she is.

_“You are my paladin.”_

Her voice feels muffled, farther away than before, “I had to prove myself to you.” Keith can feel himself backing away, his eyes fixed on the ground by his feet, “I’m always proving myself to you.” And the paladins, and the Alteans, every day feels like a pass or fail test.

_“Keith-“_

He’s not even talking to Red anymore, not really, “What happens when we meet someone better?” Everyone is better, “What will you do if I’m not good enough?” He’s not, it’s not when, it’s now, it’s always. His breath quickens and he backs away faster. Elements churn in his mind and he can only assume they are angry.

_“Wait, wait, no-!”_

The sounds and senses of the lions are steadily drowned out as the static in his head gets louder and louder until he can’t hear them at all, can’t feel anything except his heart pounding against his ribs.

Turning around, he stumbles as fast as he can into the hallway, away from the ancient ships that were surely insulted by his presence, obviously didn’t want someone like him anywhere near them. 

Before he has a chance to decide where to go, he becomes aware of the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps. Whipping his head towards the sound, he sees Shiro just as he turns the corner at the other end of the hallway. The black paladin skids to a halt at the sight of the younger boy hunched over and breathing heavily. 

“Keith?”

On the one hand he’s not hyperventilating, on the other hand Shiro is pretty sure that the sound of his voice made Keith stop breathing all together. He can feel the lions in the back of his mind, a flurry of elements, a raging wildfire punctuated by the voice of his own lion.

_“Bring him back.”_

The red paladin is trembling, reaching a hand out to steady himself against the wall. When he speaks, his voice is small, “…Shiro?”

Knowing the situation, the fear lacing through Keith’s voice shouldn’t surprise him the way it does, but he still feels caught off guard. Swallowing thickly, he tries to think of what he could do to make this situation better. But before he can open his mouth, the rest of the team catches up, nearly colliding with his back as they turned down the hallway.

Shiro can only watch as whatever recognition there was that had allowed Keith to stay still this long is crushed in one frantic heartbeat. Keith inhales sharply, flinching back from the sudden crowd, teeth grinding together. He barely registers who is in front of him, his mind too fixated on _outnumbered, outnumbered, outnumbered._

He doesn’t know what to do. So he turns and runs.

Six voices call one name, and Shiro feels the bodies behind him gear up to start a chase. He wants to run after Keith as well, hates not being next to him to offer some sort of comfort, but he knows they need a better plan.

“Wait!” Shiro throws out his arms, blocking the team from rushing past him.

“Shiro, what are you doing? He’s getting away!” There is a frantic edge to Lance’s voice. He only saw Keith for a moment, but a moment was all he needed to understand how wrong he had been.

“We can’t all run after him at once,” their leader commands, his voice stern, “Right now…” Shiro has to shake his head to keep from thinking about the very real possibility that this might go beyond ‘right now’, “Right now Keith is afraid of _us_. If we all chase him, he’s going to feel like we’re ganging up on him, which will only freak him out more. There’s not much we can do while the venom is still in his system, but we have to at least _try_ to not make this worse.” 

Shiro can feel the reluctance in their silence, but they know he is right, “I think we should split up,” their leader suggests, “He seemed like… maybe he could have been reasoned with, but once there was a crowd he couldn’t handle it. We’ll have a better chance talking him down one on one.”

“And then what?” Pidge questioned, “This is only going to get worse. Who knows if we’ll even be able to ‘talk him down’ once the effects are at their worst?”

“I didn’t want to do this,” Coran speaks hesitantly, “I didn’t even bring it up because I didn’t think it would be necessary. But I can go and prepare a sedative, just in case we decide he needs to be knocked out for the worst of it.”

Allure continued, “We wanted to save any sort of sedative for an emergency, partially because we have a limited supply, and partially because we don’t know for sure how our sedatives would react with human biology. We haven’t had any issues yet with any of you reacting negatively to our foods or medicines, but it was still a risk we didn’t want to take needlessly,” she paused, “but I agree that now it might be needed.” 

“Okay,” Shiro nodded decisively, “Coran, you go and get the sedative ready. The rest of us will split up. If you find him, do your best to keep him in one place and try to get to one of us on the intercom. Alright?”

Receiving six nods and determined looks, the group branched out, Coran rushing back the way they had come to get to the medical wing, while the rest each claimed a hallway. Shiro walked determinedly to the hallway Keith had run down, while Hunk and Allura went down a path that they knew branched quickly. After a moment of thought, Pidge turned, figuring she could double-back and check the recreational spaces. 

“Hey, Pidge, wait up!” She had barely started her journey when Lance fell into step beside her, the green paladin narrowing her eyes at him.

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Lance can’t seem to meet Pidge’s eyes, “Look, I just… I wanted to say I’m sorry.” Pidge raised an eyebrow, prompting the boy to continue, “I didn’t mean to, I don’t know, doubt you, or be such a jerk about… this.” He waves his arms vaguely, tone becoming a little frustrated, with a tinge of desperation, “But I mean, it just seemed so… unbelievable! It still does, to be honest. I mean, this is _Keith_.”

Pidge nodded in understanding, “Yeah. I know,” She sighed, “I didn’t believe it at first either.”

“I can’t stop thinking about it,” Lance admitted, “I keep going over everything I can remember since this whole adventure started, and he’s broody, and emo, and competitive, and he’s mad at me _all the time_! How is anger _not_ the emotion being effected?”

There is a long pause before Pidge responds, “I’ve… been thinking about that too, actually. And I think maybe this whole time, he hasn’t been _angry_ , exactly. I think he was just defensive.”

Lance furrows his brows, and is about to make a smartass response when Pidge keeps going, “No, I mean _literally_ defensive. Like, like a cornered dog or something. I think when you picked fights with him, and he lashed out, it was his way of trying to protect himself.”

“From _what_??” The blue paladin looks confused, and just a little horrified, “We bicker, and fight, yeah, but that’s like, our thing! Rivals turned teammates or whatever. And he gets under my skin sometimes but it’s not like I’d ever actually, you know, _do_ anything to him.” 

Pidge speaks slowly, “I know that,” she has to look away from the hurt look on Lance’s face, “but I’m starting to think Keith doesn’t.”

~

“…Hey Pidge?” 

The green paladin is a little startled, almost dropping the screwdriver she was holding. She and Keith had been spending nights hanging out together pretty regularly. Much like the first time, Keith would find Pidge wherever she was working, and quietly wait until he felt he had been given permission to stay before sitting by her. Pidge usually chattered about whatever she was working on or things on her mind, Keith usually humming or grunting in response, occasionally offering short answers if necessary, but he was a quiet companion, which Pidge didn’t mind. 

So for him to be initiating some kind of conversation was unusual. But not unwelcome. Pidge turned and looked at him with a small smile, “Yeah?”

Keith is sitting still and stiff, glancing to the side nervously, “You… you knew Lance for awhile at the Garrison, right?” 

Pidge raised an eyebrow. She didn’t exactly know what she expected Keith to ask, but it wasn’t that, “Uh, yeah, we were on the same team. We weren’t super close, I was still trying to keep to myself when I could, but we spent a good amount of time together, if only for classes.”

Humming, Keith looked like he was carefully considering his next words. He still hadn’t looked Pidge in the eye, “Do you… know why he hates me so much?” Pidge could tell he was trying to keep his voice nonchalant, but there’s a clear undercurrent of confusion, and hurt, and it made her heart clench. 

“He doesn’t,” Pidge sighs, turning back to the communicator she was adjusting so that Keith wouldn’t see her glare, “Lance has just gotten so invested in this whole ‘rivalry’ thing he started with you that I think he just tries to push your buttons without even thinking about it.” That’s not the entire truth, Pidge knows. There’s also a lot of insecurity festering behind Lance’s need to compete with Keith. But she hasn’t figured out how to talk to the blue paladin about it, and it doesn’t feel right to tell anyone else about it behind his back.

Glancing over her shoulder, Keith doesn’t look like he believes her. “Oh,” he mumbles, more to himself than to her. After a moment of hesitation, he speaks again, “Has he ever… I mean, do you think Lance would ever…” he trails off, staring off into space.

“Ever what?” Pidge prompts.

Keith starts at her voice, as though he had forgotten she was there. Smiling softly, he shakes his head, “Nothing. Never mind.”

Frowning, Pidge wants to press more. But something about this feels delicate, and she finds herself too nervous about damaging something between them with her questions. So instead, she nods in acceptance, gesturing to a spot beside Keith, “Hand me those wire-cutters, will ya?”

The rest of the night is quiet, and Pidge pushes the conversation from her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise I love Lance. He's not meant to be a 'bad guy' or malicious or anything. Miscommunications are just integral to good angst apparently. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	6. Chapter 6

When Hunk finds Keith, the red paladin is crouched in front of a large window in one of the observation decks. The castle is huge, and there are many rooms that allow fantastic views of space, windows lining the walls and wide, open floors. This particular room is a few hallways down from the paladins’ sleeping quarters, and Hunk wonders if that had been where Keith was heading originally before ending up here. He has to consciously remind himself not to yell out his friend’s name, knowing that it would only startle him. 

Keith is kneeling in the far corner with his hands over his ears and his eyes clenched shut, allowing Hunk to enter the room unnoticed. Keeping his distance, Hunk gulps nervously before taking a deep breath and calling out softly, “Keith?”

He wonders whether it would have made a difference at all if he had yelled, because even saying Keith’s name at a whisper, the red paladin still lets out a startled cry, eyes snapping open as he jumps to his feet, pressing himself into the corner. Keith’s eyes dart between Hunk and the doorway. He looks like he desperately wants to run forward towards the exit, but his body keeps pulling back, hands pressing harshly into the wall as though he could carve more space to hide. 

Hunk kind of wants to cry, staring into the red paladin’s terrified eyes as Hunk’s own voice echoes in his head like a cruel joke, _’Keith never gets scared’_. 

Taking a deep breath, Hunk steels himself. Keith needs him; His friend is in trouble and he can’t get lost in his own feelings right now. So he raises his hands slowly, palms out, but doesn’t move forward, not yet. “Hey, it’s okay, Keith. It’s just me.”

“Just…” Keith’s voice is breathy, and soft. He keeps his eyes on Hunk but blinks rapidly, as though trying to clear a haze, “Just…?”

“Yeah, just me. The other’s aren’t here, it’s just you and me, okay?” 

Keith blinks a few more times, “…Hunk?”

The yellow paladin lights up at the recognition, “Yeah! Yeah, buddy, it’s me! Uh, just me, okay? Just Hunk.” He takes a step forward. 

Keith’s breath hitches, fingers curling into the wall at his sides, eyes just a little wider. He speaks on an exhale, the words escaping fast and shaky, “Hunk, I don’t know what to do.” Hunk opens his mouth to try to respond, but as he takes another step forward Keith starts babbling, “I don’t, I don’t know what to do. Hunk, I’m sorry, I’m so-… I can’t make it stop, I don’t, I can never, I can’t, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do, I-“ He’s edging towards hyperventilating, and his eyes are shining with unshed tears, and Hunk doesn’t know what to do either. 

“You’re okay, it’s okay. We’ll figure something out, alright?” He wants so badly to make this better. Hunk just wants to wrap his arms around the frightened paladin, like his mother had done for him, like he has done for Lance, to offer comfort and security, “You’ll be okay-“ He steps forwards instinctively, arms out, desperate to do something, and he sees Keith’s eyes glaze over and suddenly he knows that Keith isn’t all here anymore.

It feels like he’s looking through a strobe light, Keith thinks. First it’s Hunk, reaching out to steady him, then it’s any number of the people who have hurt him; faceless bullies and foster parents and Galra, voices angry and frustrated, hands coming to harm. And in that moment he can’t pin himself to a time or place, he just knows the way his chest clenches with dread and anticipation, and before he can stop himself Keith flinches back violently, arms thrown up to cover his face.

_“I’m sorry!”_

Hunk pulls back immediately, nearly toppling over in his attempt to take back the motion. But he knows it’s too late. Even if Keith’s eyes were open, he doesn’t think he would see him. 

It takes a moment for Keith to become aware of himself again; to remember where he is and what happened and why he’s trying to be smaller and why he doesn’t want look at the person in front of him. Because Hunk would never hurt any of them, they all know that. So how terrible of a person must Keith be to even think that Hunk might hurt him? To be wary of the other boy’s larger figure, constantly aware of how the yellow paladin could overpower him? No wonder no one wants him. 

Across from him, Hunk frowns. Maybe if Keith was looking, he would see the concern and apprehension etched on his face. But his eyes are still clenched shut, hands held in front of him, not in defense so much as a plea.

“Hey, it’s okay, you’re okay, Keith. Shhh, please…”

Keith wasn’t even aware he was speaking until he slowly trails off, ceasing his steady stream of soft “ _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-_ ” His breath hitches, and when he finally opens his eyes he feels dizzy with dread. The dial turns and every moment feels like the moment before the pain comes.

Hunk sees the moment when Keith stumbles away from him as if in slow motion. He watches as the red paladin jerks forward, nearly falling in his haste. He watches as Keith darts around him and starts to run away, and Hunk knows he could reach out and grab him, knows he could easily stop him and hold him down and keep him here until the others came to help. But seeing the unfiltered fear in his friend’s eyes makes his blood run cold, and he simply cannot bring himself to scare this boy anymore than he already has. And so he stays, frozen with a different kind of fear, watching as Keith disappears out the door.

~

Something is behind him

He’s running, and he’s running, and at some point Keith turns a corner and realizes that he can’t remember why he’s running. There is a deafening static in his head, and he’s confused, and a little frustrated, but more than that, stronger than that, he feels like he can’t breath. His body is shaking, his chest is tight, and he’s bracing himself for something he cannot name. Something is coming- 

_They don’t want me._ The familiar thought filters through, _I’m useless, why would they want me, they’re going to hurt me, they’re going to hurt me. Or they’ll get rid of me. Is that worse? Is it better to let them hurt me if I can stay or am I better off alone anyway?_

It’s the same debate he’s had with himself since he was a child, and he never seems to be able to find an answer. Nobody wants him, and he doesn’t know how to change that. He’s tried being good, tried proving himself, tried earning his keep, tried not caring. Nothing ever works. He knows the paladins don’t want him because _nobody wants him,_ but he doesn’t know what they are going to do about it and he doesn’t know what he hopes they’ll do about it. The dial turns a little farther.

_What am I afraid of?_

Keith thinks that he’d rather stay, but he can’t stop running.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: unintentional self-harm(? Let me know if I tagged this right or not)

Shiro wished he had spent more time learning the layout of the castle. He knew the ship was large and complex, and that it’d be in everyone’s best interest to have at least a basic understanding of where everything is. But with everything else going on, it just slipped his mind. As long as they know how to get to their lions, their rooms, the training deck, the dining hall… well, surely it wasn’t a big deal if the rest of the castle went unused.

But it was a big deal now, as Shiro turned a corner and found himself standing at the entrance to the pool deck. Again. Groaning, the black paladin pinched the bridge of his nose. He was going in circles; he’d passed this place three times already and hadn’t found any sign of Keith. 

The thought of the younger paladin got him moving again, gritting his teeth and stalking forward in determination. The wildfire that was Red still burned in the back of his mind. He hated this. Hated being so useless while one of his best friends was hurting somewhere. Sometimes Shiro forgot that he hadn’t really know Keith that long- barely a year before the Kerberos mission- because the boy had become so important to him. Voltron was his family, and he couldn’t help but feel like he had failed them.

He had really thought that Keith would be angry.

“Shiro!”

Startled from his rumination, Shiro turned to see Allura briskly walking over to him, “Any luck?” she asked hopefully. Her face fell when the only response was a solemn head shake. Sighing, the princess began walking again, Shiro falling into step beside her, “I haven’t seen him at all either. I figured I’d start looking farther from the areas you have all become familiar with, in case he got turned around in his… haste,” Allura stumbled over her words slightly, shaking it off before turning back to Shiro, “Did you have the same idea?”

“Actually,” he chuckled, “I just got lost,” Allura laughed fondly as he continued, “I think I’ve been stuck in the same hallway for half an hour now. Seriously, this place is a maze!”

“It can be tricky if you’re not used to it. I certainly got lost plenty of times myself as a little girl.” 

“Well, you’ll have to show us around properly after… all this,” Shiro gestured vaguely, as though he could encompass the entire situation with a wave of his hand. The smile fell from his face, insecurities making themselves known once more, “I don’t understand how we missed this.”

Allure shot him a puzzled look, “Missed?”

“Yeah, I mean… Coran told us what that venom did and, and none of us even _questioned_ what he would be feeling. We were all so certain. We’re the paladins of Voltron, how could we…” he hesitated for a moment, before succumbing to honesty, “How could _I_ have been so, so wrong?”

“Shiro,” Allura placed a comforting hand on his arm, “You are all new paladins, your bond is young. Forming Voltron together doesn’t suddenly mean you know everything about each other. It’d be easier that way, maybe, but that’s just not how it works. It takes time to learn what each of you carries. Even longer if it’s hidden.”

“I know, it’s just-“ Shiro sighed in frustration, “It’s not just being a part of Voltron. Keith was my friend _before_ , and I _still_ …” he stops walking, running a hand through his hair in agitation as he gathers his thoughts. Allure stands patiently beside him until he starts speaking again.

“I knew… I thought that he was angry then, too. When we first met, I was assigned to mentor him at the Garrison, to try to help with some of his discipline issues. For a long time, he would mostly glare at me. He was so closed off, barely speaking to me when he could manage, or snapping at little things. But, I thought it made sense, you know? I didn’t know too much about him, but Iverson had given me his file, and it seemed like he’d had a rough time growing up. No stability or support system. I thought I understood, so I didn’t bother thinking about it, or asking him, or even really _looking_. I just… learned not to take anything personally and was patient, let him come to me.”

“And it worked.”

“Obviously not.”

“You became very close, didn’t you? It’s obvious that Keith trusts you, and cares for you. Anyone could see that.”

“But apparently he’s scared of me! Of all of us!”

“Yes. But when you thought he was angry, even when he expressed anger _towards_ you, you were able to accept that that emotion originated from something beyond yourself. So why is it that now that you’re aware he is afraid, you assume it is your fault? That the fear he feels towards you is because of you?”

Her words halt Shiro’s wild thoughts in their tracks. For a moment, there is quiet as the Black paladin tries to pull himself together, before Allura reaches out.

“Shiro…” gently, the princess took both of Shiro’s hands into her own, “I know I’m hard on you, on all of you. But the truth is, none of the paladins of Voltron have ever had a smooth time coming together as a team. Even when the paladins knew each other before hand, developing a bond as intimate and powerful as the one needed to form Voltron… it’s difficult. And it takes time. The fact that you have all managed to form the bond that you have, even given your circumstances, is astounding. It proves how strong you all are,” the princess smiled warmly, “You are a good leader, with a good team. No bump in the road will change that.”

Closing his eyes, Shiro allows himself a moment to just take a deep breath, to take in Allura’s words. Sometimes everything felt so overwhelming that Shiro forgot that it _was_ overwhelming. That maybe he wasn’t struggling because he was a bad leader, or a bad fighter, but because it was _hard_. Maybe this was something bigger than him. Maybe it wasn’t his fault. 

If nothing else, he trusted Allura.

“Thank you,” Shiro squeezed Allura’s hands as he finally glanced back at her, giving a small but sincere smile, “I needed that.”

“Anytime,” She smiled back. There was a pause, and for a moment it looked like the princess was going to say something else, but she was cut off by a voice from down the hall.

“Hey!”

Releasing each others’ hands, the two warriors turned to find Lance and Coran quickly approaching them. 

“Coran! Do you have a sedative prepared?” Allura immediately questioned.

The older man nodded vigorously, holding out a capped syringe, “Yes. It’s enough to knock him out for at least three hours. More than enough to decide how we best want to handle the remaining time he’ll be affected.”

While the Alteans discussed their options, Lance stepped up to Shiro, “Pidge and I split up and I ran into Coran a few minutes ago. I just kept following him since we’re starting to get into areas I’m not super familiar with.”

It was strange to see Lance so subdued, chewing on his lip with worry, eyes darting around the hallway in hopes of catching a glimpse of black hair. Shiro thinks maybe he’s not the only one feeling guilty for something that’s not their fault. 

“Hey,” It’s become natural, the way Shiro places his hand on Lance’s shoulder, drawing his attention and smiling gently, “We’ll find him, okay? Everything will be fine.”

Lance smiles, his face a mix of gratitude and determination. Before he can respond, Allura claps her hands behind them, “Right! Let’s get back to work. I think we should stick together for the moment, until we have a better idea which direction Keith went. That way the sedative will be on hand.” Nodding in agreement, they all turned to begin making their way down the hallway to continue the search for the red paladin. 

Shiro isn’t sure if it’s luck or not, but it is barely two minutes later that they finally get a glimpse. Ahead of them, the hallway splits left and right in a T. Before they can even start thinking about which direction they will go, or whether this will be where they split up, there is a flash of black and grey as a body bolts down the adjacent hallway.

“Keith!” Lance cries out instinctively, leaping forward and skidding around the corner to follow the runaway. The other three are right behind him. The hallways are like a maze, twisting and winding endlessly. Keith stays frustratingly out of reach, never more than a blur around a corner, letting them know which way to turn. But eventually their luck runs out, and the four turn down an empty hallway with a fork at the end, and no sign of Keith. 

“Quiznak!”

“No, he’s gone again!”

“Shit, shit, shit, shit-“

“We can’t let him get away-“

“Alright!” Allura spoke up over the rest, collecting herself after her own initial outburst, “We have to stay calm, or he’s only going to get farther away. We should split up with-“

“Cool I’m going this way!” Impatient and buzzing with apprehension, Lance can’t bring himself to wait for Allura to finish, and before she has a chance to call out to him, he spins around and starts running down the hallway to the right, too frantic to stand still. 

“Wait! I, oh…” Allura isn’t angry; can’t be when she understands how the blue paladin must be feeling. Decisively, she turns to the remaining figures, “You both go left, I’ll follow Lance.” And just like that they are all moving, running their respective directions, desperate to find their friend.

~

When Keith turns the corner, he finds himself in front of a door. Frantically, he pushes at the keys on the control box beside it to try to open it, desperate to keep moving, but is met with a low ‘beep’ as the door remains closed. 

No no no, Keith tries again, and again, and again, but the door is locked and he’s stuck at a dead end, trapped with nowhere to go. He glances back down the hallway, but can’t bring himself to go back. There is something behind him that he cannot face, impending ( _impending what?_ ). He can feel tears pooling in his eyes and when he blinks rapidly to try to get rid of them they only start to fall faster. He’s so pathetic, this is why they wouldn’t let him stay, why they would hurt him and abandon him and throw him away like everyone else-

Keith barely feels himself lean his forehead against the door, sliding down onto his knees. He barely notices when he starts to claw at the metal, because he has to do something, has to at least try to save himself, has to release the frantic energy inside of him. He thinks he might be sobbing, thinks he notices blood dripping down his hands as he keeps pounding and scraping at the door even after his fingernails start breaking. He thinks it hurts but he just can’t stop.

~

The muscles in his legs burn as Lance pushes himself down the hall. Red is a burning presence in his mind, louder than any of the other frantic elements, and he can hear footsteps following behind him, but he doesn’t pause, or turn around, too terrified of the prospect of losing track of Keith again. There is a turn up ahead, and Lance has no intention of slowing down, but when he turns the corner he finds himself freezing in his tracks, Allura swiftly colliding with the plane of his back. But even feeling the impact he still cannot move, struck still by the sight of Keith in front of him. The red paladin is on his knees in front of a door, clawing desperately at it as if he could dig through it to the other side. Blood coats his fingers, dripping down his wrists and arms, painting the door in frenzied streaks. 

The blue paladin feels Allura freeze behind him, just as shocked as he is. This is not the Keith they have come to know, and no matter how they tried to brace themselves for what the venom was doing to him, they still weren’t prepared.

Swallowing thickly, Lance takes a hesitant step forward, “…Keith?”

He hears a sharp inhalation, sees Keith’s shoulders hitch before his head jerks to look at them, hair tangled and wild, tear tracks on his face, pressing his side against the bloodstained door. Lance can hear Pidge’s voice in his head, _‘like a cornered dog’_ , and he doesn’t want to look at Keith like that but that is what he sees; blind terror and desperation. 

“Hey Keith,” the blue paladin speaks in what he hopes is a soothing whisper, “It’s just us, you’re okay,” even though he’s really, _really_ not, oh God, Lance has to very consciously not look at Keith’s hands but he still sees the blood on the door, the way Keith’s bangs stick to his forehead, his pale skin, his panicked eyes, and nothing about any of this is okay. His voice shakes but he keeps talking anyway, “I know you’re… you’re not feeling too good right now. But Coran has something that will make you feel better. You’ll feel better real soon, okay buddy? Just wait a little longer, and we’ll get Coran and-“ Lance takes a step forward. It is a mistake.

Keith has lost all his grace, and it is with an erratic lurch that he suddenly jerks to his feet and unsheathes his dagger. For a moment, Lance worries that Keith will attack them, and he starts to throw his hands up in a motion that is half defensive and half an attempt to be less threatening. But Keith doesn’t even see it. He’s too caught up in his own momentum as he pivots his body and buries his knife into the control box next to the locked door.

“NO!” Lance doesn’t even get a chance to move forward before electricity bursts from the console. He sees Keith’s body spasm as the lights in the hallway flicker, and he thinks he hears the _whoosh_ of a door opening before darkness falls on them.

With his vision gone, Lance instinctively throws an arm out, placing a hand on Allura’s shoulder as she does the same. Just as they are orienting themselves to the dark, the lights flicker back on. They both take a moment to blink against the light before zeroing in on the door in front of them. The _open_ door, leading to a dark staircase, with no sign of the red paladin.

Lance immediately snaps his head to Allura, “Where does that door lead to?” 

“The lower levels,” The princess replies hastily, “It’s where you can access all the mechanical components of the castle. The engine room, power sources, things like that. We kept it locked so none of you would accidentally damage anything important.”

Lance curses quietly. He’s honestly less concerned about Keith damaging the castle than he is about Keith hurting himself. “Okay, I’ll go after him and try to keep him away from anything too dangerous. Go find Coran and get the sedative, we’re definitely going to need it.” He still sees the blood coating Keith’s hands when he closes his eyes.

Allura hesitates for a moment. She doesn’t like the idea of Lance going down there alone, but she knows they don’t have time to debate, and between the two of them Lance has always been better at offering comfort. Maybe he could get through to the red paladin. 

“Alright. Try not to touch anything. I’ll be back as fast as I can.” She is already running back down the hallway before she finishes speaking. Lance nods absently as he makes his way to the stairwell. He wants to run, but the light from the hallway only illuminates a few feet before the steps fall into darkness. Still, he descends as fast as he can, willing his eyes to adjust faster.

By the time he reaches the bottom of the stairs, he can see well enough. There is a red hue to the surroundings from the various warning lights, and there are pipes running along the walls. Vague mechanical noises echoing around him, and lights blink from numerous consoles and control boxes. It easy to see why the Alteans didn’t want them coming down here. 

Stepping down the hall, Lance tries to guess where Keith might have gone. So far, all the doors he’s passed have had a red light next to them, signaling that they were locked. Walking faster, Lance hunches over, looking underneath and behind any large piece of machinery he comes across. Venturing deeper through the basement, he starts to notice signs of Keith’s presence. Lance feels his heart leap into his throat when he first sees the red streaks across the wall. Jogging forward, he sees a metal crate tipped over, a few remote-looking devices scattered across the floor. There are more red stains, and broken glass, but Lance stops cold when he sees Keith’s knife lying among the mess, the wrappings bloody and frayed. Cautiously, he picks the weapon up. It’s never talked about, but they all know that Keith’s dagger is important to him, more than just a weapon, and if he was in his right mind he never would have dropped it here. Lance clumsily slides the knife through his belt. He’ll return it later. Turning the corner, he sees a few chairs toppled over, more small scatterings of alien tech across the floor, and, finally, an unlocked door, a steady green light glowing beside it.

It’s ironic to Lance, that he’s scared to go inside. But if ever there was a time he needed to be brave it was right now. And so he takes a deep, steadying breath, and opens the door.


	8. Chapter 8

Keith fell down the last few steps into the basement. He lets out a low keen as he lands on his raw hands, his body still wracked with spasms from the shock of stabbing the control panel, his muscles tense and pained. 

Looking up at his surroundings, Keith is pretty sure he’s in Hell. There is a red glow to everything, wire and pipes winding through the walls and ceilings, casting shadows like snakes as everything buzzes mechanically, too loud, too close.

Scrambling to his feet, Keith knows he needs to keep moving. They are behind him, they are right behind him ( _who are ‘they’?_ ), and he can’t fight them, couldn’t now even if he wanted to. He stumbles forward as fast as he can, knife still held tight in his hand, flinching every time a machine beeps or chirps, jumping at every shadow, certain that something is waiting for him, he can’t quite remember what but something _bad_ , impending, impending. The pain in his body increases at he moves. He’s so tired, ragged from running, hands throbbing, muscles tight. He finds himself leaning heavily against a wall, body shaking. There is a sharp ‘clang’ behind him and he yelps in fear, twisting around with his dagger held in front of him, but he’s too weak and he feels his legs give out and he crumples to the ground. He collides with what he is certain is a body, but all he hears is a metal ‘thud’. A glass panel shatters and Keith shrieks, flinching back because is someone throwing things at him? Is that what’s happening? Is that why everything is so loud and painful? 

He’s crying, and he can’t breath, and when he finally manages to get back on his feet he runs blindly, not even noticing when his dagger slips from his sweaty, blood slick hands. He doesn’t look where he’s going, pushing himself to get away, away, away. Every time he runs into something he thinks he is being attacked, every noise is a projectile aimed at him. Turning a corner, he sees a green light through the haze, green means go, green means _open_ , and so he runs forward, pounding at the buttons beside the door as if he could make it open faster. 

Once inside he collapses. The room is dark but Keith doesn’t think to turn on the lights, just crawls forward until he finds a corner to curl up in. The room is fairly empty, save for a few chairs in front of a wall of screens, probably used as some sort of security room thousands of years ago. 

Keith brings his knees to his chest, staring at the door because it is the only entrance, the only exit, he’s cornered himself oh God, what was he thinking, he is going to die here, everything is loud and he is going to die here, he can’t breathe, he is going to die here, everyone either wants to hurt him or wants him gone and him dying would accomplish both, he is going to die here and oh God he _doesn’t want to die here._

And then the door opens.

Keith can’t even cry out, his jaw feels wired shut, every muscle in his body locked. He can’t even blink. He tries to push himself farther into the corner, but there is nowhere left to go. For a moment all he sees is a silhouette in the doorway, a looming figure that could be anyone.

It’s Lance. 

“Keith?”

Keith can’t hear him. He sees his mouth make the shape of his name, but all Keith can hear is the blood rushing in his ears, and the pounding of his heartbeat, and the short, desperate breaths that do not bring him any air. Lance steps forward and Keith’s vision darkens at the edges, tunneling until all he sees is the figure coming towards him, a promise of pain approaching through the haze that he has no hope of escaping.

Lance is a few feet away when Keith finally manages to unclench his jaw. When he opens his mouth, he wants to apologize. He wants to explain himself, wants to promise Lance something, anything, everything, wants to bargain, wants to beg for forgiveness. He wants to beg for mercy.

But all he does is scream.


	9. Chapter 9

In the time since beginning their journey with Voltron, Lance has heard Keith yell in anger, and frustration, and excitement, and he’s heard the red paladin’s battle cries. But Lance could never have imagined Keith making a sound like this; wordless screaming in absolute terror. He’s certain he’ll have nightmares about it. It’s so jarring, and frightening, he doesn’t know what else to do except drop to his knees and pull Keith to his chest in a tight embrace. Keith flinches, struggling as much as he’s able when he’s so scared and hurt and tired and coiled up like a spring and he wont stop screaming. 

Lance doesn’t know what to do.

Behind everything, softer and quieter than she’s been all day, Lance can feel Red, though he doesn’t know what it is he’s feeling, exactly. He thinks it feels almost like ash, or maybe melted candle wax.

(Upstairs, the other paladins feel it too. But it is Pidge who manages to name it, who stares at the ground with a haunted expression and says, _“I think Red is crying”_.)

He doesn’t know what to do, so he holds on tighter, rocking Keith back and forth, and he can feel himself whispering nonsense, trying to hush the other boy like he would one of his little siblings after a nightmare. But this is worse than a nightmare, and nothing helps, and Lance feels himself start to quietly cry too because he just feels so useless. 

That’s how Allura and Coran find them. Keith still screaming and sobbing while Lance cradles him. Lance turns to them desperately, tears streaming down his cheeks, eyes wide and helpless, and when he speaks his voice cracks softly, _“Help him.”_

For a moment the Alteans are frozen. It had been terrifying to follow the sounds of the red paladin’s screams through the dark hallways, but it was more heartbreaking to actually see their two paladins hurting so much. Coran pulls himself together first, taking a deep breath as he steps forward. When he kneels next to the boys, he wonders if Keith even sees him. He thinks maybe Keith can’t process his surroundings anymore. Or maybe he just can’t scream any louder. 

The syringe is ready, but it’s a struggle to pull Keith’s arm away from his body. His muscles are coiled and locked as he tries to make himself as small as possible. Finally breaking out of her sorrow, Allura kneels down as well, swiftly helping to hold Keith’s arm out so that Coran can inject the sedative. When the needle pierces his skin, Keith thrashes, trying to pull away, his scream becoming just slightly more shrill, but he cannot escape all three of them. Mercifully, it takes less than a minute for the sedative to take effect, Keith finally falling silent as his body goes limp in their arms. 

Still, even after he is asleep, it takes a few minutes for them to move. Coran and Allura relax their grips on Keith’s arm, Coran settling his hand gently on Keith’s shoulder while Allura holds his hand, softly running her thumb over the drying blood. Lance can’t seem to bring himself to relax though, holding Keith firmly to his chest even after the blue paladin manages to stop crying. Coran has to call his name twice to get his attention, quietly suggesting they bring Keith upstairs. It is with great reluctance that Lance allows his teammate to be pulled away from him, the older Altean gathering Keith in his arms and leading the way back upstairs. 

~

“Is he going to be okay?”

Hunk’s voice is soft, and yet it still cracks through the silence like a gunshot, six bodies jerked violently from their stillness. They are scattered around the med room, separate but all angled towards the only occupied healing pod. It had been surreal to place Keith into the pod, his body battered and bloodied and bruised, with no battle to blame. In the middle of an intergalactic war, there was something terrifying about seeing a soldier taken apart by his own mind. 

Coran’s voice is low and gentle, “His wounds weren’t severe. They won’t even scar.”

There is a beat of silence. “That’s not what I meant.”

Pidge’s voice is neither low nor gentle. It is sharp, like a shard of glass. There is a circle of space around the green paladin where no one has dared to venture yet because she feels so brittle right now, her posture tense and cold, her words spit like acid, “Well, he’ll still have three to four hours before that Goddamn venom is finished fucking with him and then after that, the most private person on our team will have to deal with the fact that the people closest to him know something about him that he had no choice in revealing. So _no_ , Hunk, I don’t think he’ll be okay.”

“Pidge,” Shiro tries to give her name a warning tone. But he mostly sounds tired. 

It’s Lance who snaps next, “Well we _should_ know about this!” he exclaims, “Maybe if we’d known sooner we could have helped! I mean, we’re his teammates, his friends, we form Voltron together all the time, why wouldn’t he trust us with this?”

“You don’t get to decide how someone trusts people,” Pidge stalked forward, eyes narrowed, “We formed Voltron together before I even told you my gender! It’s pretty obvious the issue of Voltron and trust is more complex than you want it to be.”

“Okay, enough!” Shiro stepped between the two, his body blocking them from each others’ sight. He turns to the younger paladin first, “Pidge,” his voice is firm, “I know you’re upset, but don’t take it out on Lance. He’s not the one you’re mad at.” For a moment, Pidge looks like she wants to snap at him too. But with visible effort, she bites the words back, turning around and growling in frustration, fists clenched at her sides.

Sighing, Shiro turned back to Lance, who looks more lost than anything. His tone softens, “Pidge is right, though. I wish it was simpler, but it’s not. I think…” Shiro’s eyes dart around the room, to the floor, to Hunk, to Allura, to the ceiling, to the motionless figure behind the frosted glass of the healing pod, back to Lance, “Keith does trust us. Logically. But, something like this, this kind of fear and anxiety… it has nothing to do with logic. It’s bigger than us, and it’s not something we, or Keith, can just will away. And it sucks, I know, but the fact is most of it is probably just going to take time to really fade.”

The silence feels heavier this time, each person lost in their own thoughts and helplessness. Just like before, it is Hunk who breaks it.

“Kind of like the venom?” The yellow paladin offers hesitantly.

Shiro blinks, a little startled, before letting out a huff of laughter, “Yeah,” he says, “yeah, like the venom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's right bitches it was a mETAPHOR _ALL ALONG!!_


	10. Chapter 10

Keith stays in the healing pod for five hours, longer than he really needed (“Just to be safe,” Allura had said as she entered the time into the console, unable to meet any of their eyes). They were all so anxious for him to wake up, and yet when they heard the soft hiss of the door sliding open, it felt far too soon. They didn’t feel ready.

When Keith stumbles forward, Shiro is already there, gentle and steadying, and he forces himself to keep his face neutral when he feels Keith’s breath hitch under his hands. He maneuvers the younger boy until he is leaning against the pod, allowing Shiro to pull away, although he keeps his arms out in case Keith loses his balance.

Lance remembers waking up from the healing pod, and it is strange to see someone else going through it. Keith blinks rapidly, clearing away the fog of forced sleep, and he brings a hand up to rub at his forehead. He tries to stand up straighter, but has to keep one hand against the wall as he sways.

Coran steps forward, smiling, “Keith? How are you feeling?”

“Um…” Keith furrows his brows, seriously considering the question. Unconsciously his body curls inward, turning slightly away from them. Every person in the room can see the exact moment that the memories of the past day come back to him. There is a sharp intake of breath, and then Keith is staring resolutely at the floor, eyes wide and face pale with something that is equal parts shame and fear. 

Shiro leans in slightly, careful to keep his distance, but speaking softly and just to Keith, “Deep breaths. Everything’s okay.” He wants so badly to hold the other boy close, but he knows that right now he can’t. So he settles for pouring as much care and comfort into his voice as he is able, and he is rewarded when Keith inhales slow and steady.

Even as they watch him struggle, Keith swallows thickly and forces himself uncurl, facing the team even if he cannot meet any of their eyes, “Better,” he says firmly, “I feel better.”

Allure smiles, “Good. We were all very worried,” she pauses, but there is no response, so she keeps going, “I know you just woke up, but it would probably be a good idea to lie down for a bit. Get some real rest.”

“Yeah, I remember those pods made me crazy drowsy,” Lance chimes in.

Keith considered their words before nodding slowly, “Yeah, I… Okay.” Pushing himself away from the wall, he tries to take a step forward, but finds his legs still shaky and weak.

“Here, let me help!” Pidge darts over. Keith doesn’t mean to flinch, but he does. However Pidge doesn’t even seem fazed. The only sign that she noticed at all is the way she slows her approach, moving her hands where Keith can see them before gently placing herself at his side to help support his weight.

Taking a deep breath, Keith speaks on the exhale, “Thanks.”

“No problem.” She is smiling widely, and Keith’s feels fairly confident that there is no anger on her face. 

Confidence growing after seeing Pidge interact with him, Shiro smiles, and slowly and gently places a hand on Keith’s shoulder. He waits until Keith manages to raise his eyes to somewhere around his shoulders to speak, “I’m really glad you’re okay.” He receives a shy, relieved smile, and Shiro knows they will have to talk more later. But for now, he gives the red paladin some space.

Turning to the rest of the team, Shiro grins, “Come on guys, I’m sure we can find some way to make ourselves useful.” Pidge knows he is just getting them out of the way, preventing them from trying to follow the arms of Voltron and crowding Keith, but she appreciates it. 

Lance groans as he exits the room, “I think a nap sounds good. I’ll be more useful with some beauty rest.”

Hunk laughs and claps his shoulder, and the team flows out the door, chattering about what they plan to do with their morning. Allure pauses at the door, turning to give Keith a warm smile, “I’m glad you’re alright, Keith.” Coran beams at him, giving two enthusiastic thumbs-up as the two Alteans exit. 

Pidge chuckles at their antics, a small smile on Keith’s face beside her. “Alright, let’s do this!” Pidge exclaims, sounding like they’re going into battle instead of walking to Keith’s room, but it pulls a breath of laughter from the red paladin, so she figures it was worth it. They take their time going through the halls, Keith’s legs still a little wobbly, but it doesn’t take them too long to arrive at Keith’s door. 

The room is so barren, Pidge notes. Even after months spent on the ship, the space is still painfully empty. If there are any personal belongings, they are hidden somewhere, but Pidge suspects there are none. Keith seems reluctant to hold on to things, never collecting souvenirs from their adventure like the others did. His most notable possessions were his jacket and his dagger, both of which he almost always kept with him. It was a testament to how chaotic the last day had been that both items were currently resting on Keith’s bed. 

Stepping away from Pidge, Keith picks up the knife first, a quiet sigh of relief escaping as he slides it under his pillow. He turns to the jacket next, picking it up with his brows furrowed in something like confusion. Pidge commented nonchalantly, “Oh yeah, Shiro said he found that in the training deck.”

“Oh,” sitting slowly, Keith keeps staring at the red fabric, “I thought maybe…”

The silence stretches, and Pidge intends to wait patiently for him to continue. But then Keith looks up, as though he just remembered she was here, and quickly glances away in embarrassment, mumbling a soft, “Never mind.”

Maybe this is something important, like the last ‘never mind’. Still, Pidge just can’t bring herself to press Keith for more when he’s already had so much control taken from him on this one hellish day. But this time, she doesn’t push it from her mind. She simply saves it for later. 

She nods, smiling as she shrugs, “Okay. So, do you want me to leave? Or would you rather I stay and stand guard?”

“Wait, what?” Keith looked up again, clear confusion on his face, “Stand guard?”

“Yeah,” Pidge grinned, “I thought maybe if you’re still worried about someone trying to hurt you, it might help if I was, like, a look out!” the green paladin faced the door and took an exaggerated fighting pose, “If anyone wants to get to you, they’ll have to go through me first!”

A breath of laughter escaped from Keith before he could think about it. He plans on saying ‘it’s okay’ or ‘you don’t have to’ or ‘I’m fine’, but what comes out is, “You would do that for me?”

“Of course I would, you’re my best friend.”

Pidge says it like it’s obvious. A plain fact. Two plus two equals four and the castle is a spaceship and Keith is her best friend. For a moment, they just stare at each other, but Keith simply can’t formulate a response. He’s too busy trying to figure out how this information could coexist with his views on the world and himself and everything else. It doesn’t seem to fit. Seeing him struggle, Pidge smiles, moving to sit beside him.

“You know, if Zarkon walked through that door right now, I’d take him down with my bare hands. Probably get one of those super-strength adrenaline rushes. You know, like where moms lift cars to save their kids or whatever?” She flexes dramatically, drawing a shy, soft laugh from the boy next to her. She’s still smiling, but when Pidge continues her voice is more serious, “But if Shiro walked through that door with ill intentions? I’d do the same thing.” 

Keith’s head snaps up, eyes wide with confusion and disbelief, but Pidge presses on, “Lance too. Or Hunk, or Allura, or Coran. I don’t think they’d ever try to do anything malicious, but if they did, or you told me they did, I’m on _your_ side.” She throws an arm around his shoulders and he doesn’t flinch away, “I am officially a biased party where you’re concerned. I’ve got your back. Always. Okay?”

There is still fear in Keith’s blood, a soft static from the venom that makes his breath hitch, and a layer beneath that which feels like salted earth. It’s the feeling of dread, the instinctual ‘this is going to hurt’, that a few hours ago screamed ’this is going to hurt right now’ but had now dulled to ‘this will hurt eventually’. Still, Pidge looked at him with such honest conviction, that her words sounded less like a promise and more like a truth. Two plus two equals four and Keith is her best friend and she will always be there for him. 

When Keith smiles back at her it feels natural. He doesn’t need to force or fake anything when he says “Okay,” he allows himself to lean more fully against her shoulder, “and I’d do the same for you.”

Pidge grins widely, pulling him closer, “We’re brothers in ARMS!”

Keith pushes her away jokingly, “Oh God, do not start-“

“We’re ARMED and dangerous!”

“No-!”

“We’re a two person ARMy!”

There is a beat of silence, the red paladin staring at Pidge with a blank expression. Then he deadpans, “I find all these puns very al _arm_ ing.”

When Pidge bursts into peals of laughter, it takes only a moment for Keith to break down and join her, the two paladins clutching at each other and laughing and laughing and laughing until tears are streaming down their cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The BroTP (ﾉథヮథ)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ｡･ﾟ


	11. Chapter 11

“Um, hey Hunk.”

Keith’s voice is soft and hesitant, but when Hunk turns away from the fridge, Keith looks almost like his usual self. Face a little tense but neutral, arms crossed, back straight. Hunk feels almost dizzy with relief. He hadn’t even realized how worried he had been until the red paladin was standing before him. For the last hour Hunk had been trying very hard not to think about Keith, because the last time he saw him was when he stumbled from the healing pod, and the time before that…

Hunk can’t keep the smile from his face, “Keith! Hey! How are you feeling? Did you manage to get some rest?”

“A little,” Keith shrugs, “Didn’t sleep or anything, just laid down for a bit. But, uh…” He chuckles, looking away awkwardly, “I kind of just realized I’m starving?”

That makes sense, in hindsight. The last time Keith ate was lunch the day before. Allura had forced them all to eat something and sleep for a few hours while Keith was in the healing pod, but the red paladin was obviously unable to join them.

Leaping at the chance to be helpful, Hunk immediately turned back to the fridge, “Oh! Here, I’ll throw something together for you! I was actually just about to grab myself some breakfast, too, so I’ll just make double of, uh, something, I haven’t actually decided yet. Here, we have some leftover goo from dinner, you can have that just to tide you over until I’m done,” Hunk placed a small container of the space food on the island in the center of the kitchen, his arms already full of the various ingredients the paladins had gathered throughout their travels. “I think I might be able to make something, I don’t know, oatmeal-esque? I mean it should work in theory…”

Out of the corner of his eye, Hunk could see Keith still standing just inside the door, making no move to sit and eat. Hunk continued bustling around the stove, “Are you gonna sit down? Oh! Or did you just want to take something back to your room?”

Keith jumped slightly, a little startled, “No, uh, no, it’s fine I just. I’m sorry.”

Hunk shrugged, “Hey, it’s cool, we all get lost in thought sometimes-“

“No, not that, I mean…” Keith stumbled over his words, eyes darting around the room nervously. He had planned to put more thought into this, but he hadn’t expected to run into Hunk so soon. Now that he was here, he felt a buzz under his skin, compelling him to push the words out in a rush, “I mean I’m _sorry_.”

Hunk stills at the other boy’s words. Putting down the bowl he had pulled out, he turns to Keith, giving him his full attention. He looks… confused? Maybe a little sad? Keith thinks the best way to describe it would be compassionate. 

“You know, you apologized to me a lot. Before, I mean,” Keith’s hands clutch at the hem of his shirt as he stares at the ground. The yellow paladin sits on one of the bar stools, leaning on the counter, “What are you sorry for?”

Keith feels his jaw clench. It feels like a trick question. The answer is ‘everything’, but he doesn’t think that’s what Hunk wants to hear. It takes a few moments for Keith to gather his thoughts, to try to find the words for what he wants to say, but Hunk is patient, and Keith gets the feeling the other boy would give Keith all the time in the world if that was what he needed. It’s a strange feeling.

Finally, Keith takes a deep breath, “I know… I know none of you would ever…” he fumbles, because there’s actually a lot of things he worries about them doing and most of them he actually _doesn’t know_ they wouldn’t do, more because of who Keith is than who they are. But he still feels the need to edit himself, to try to be a little more honest even if through omission.

“I know you would never hurt me. I know that’s not the kind of person you are,” that’s true, he does know that, “but I still…” _flinch, guard myself, am hyperaware of the distance between us and the fact that even if I could escape your grip I probably wouldn’t because if you of all people tried to hurt me then I obviously deserve it and so I do everything to desperately avoid your grip so that I don’t have to face how terrible I am._

Keith waves a hand in front of himself vaguely, but when he glances up at Hunk’s face, he gets the impression that Hunk understood exactly what he couldn’t say.

Quickly looking back down, Keith drops his hand back to his side, “So… yeah. I’m sorry,” he whispers awkwardly. 

There’s another stretch of silence, this time for Hunk, as he carefully considers his own response, brow furrowed in contemplation. Something clicks, and Hunk finds himself blinking almost in disbelief, “Dude… I’m not, like, _offended_ that you’re scared of me or anything.”

Keith’s head snaps up, eyes wide, “…Really?”

Hunk nods vigorously, “Yeah, none of us are. I mean, it’s not really _about_ us, is it? How could we take it personally?” He starts to gesture wildly, words pouring out as his thoughts fire rapidly, “You know, sometimes anxiety just happens. I mean look at me! I get anxious all the time, and I don’t always have a reason for it, I just do!”

“Yeah, but,” Keith looks away again, shuffling nervously in place, “that’s… different.”

Crossing his arms on the counter, Hunk knows what Keith is thinking. _It’s different because that’s you and this is me. It’s not okay when it’s me._ Maybe there’s an elegant way to approach this, but Hunk starts rambling again, determined to get that thought out of Keith’s head, “Okay. Yeah, no, you right, it probably is different,” Keith tenses but Hunk plows on, “You seem like you _do_ have a reason. We’ve know each other, I mean, really known each other, for what, a few months? In the pie chart of your life, we’re just a tiny sliver. And yeah, I like to think we haven’t given you a reason to be nervous around us- not that you couldn’t tell us if we did!- but even if we didn’t, that doesn’t mean there haven’t been _other_ people who haven’t given you reasons to feel this way.” He tries to catch Keith’s eye, but the red paladin is looking at the floor again. Hunk thinks he almost looks ashamed. 

“Keith,” He waits until the other boy manages to bring his eyes up before continuing, “The way you were acting before…” he frowns just thinking about it, “look, I don’t know the specifics. If you ever want to share it with me, I’d be honored to listen, but even if you don’t…” Hunk makes sure to look Keith straight in the eye, smiling sadly, “Call it a hunch, but I think you’ve earned your fear.”

This time, when Keith looks away, it seems more like he is lost in thought than avoiding Hunk’s gaze. “Oh,” His voice is soft. Keith’s fear and guilt had always gone hand in hand, circling around and feeding each other. The idea of only feeling one made him feel… lighter.

It doesn’t stop him from tensing when he realizes how long the silence has stretched, eyes darting from Hunk to the doorway. The lingering remnants of the venom poke and prod at him because he doesn’t want to leave, but he can’t think of a reason to stay. And besides, Hunk’s probably getting tired of him anyway, he’s already imposed enough-

“You know,” Keith jumps when Hunk starts speaking, and the yellow paladin smiles fondly, “when I was little, and my mom first noticed how anxious I would get, she looked up all sorts of things to try to help. She wrote this big long list of tips she found online for anxiety. I think if was something like three pages long,” he laughed at the memory, “and we went through and tried all of them together. Not all of them worked, but man, we had some crazy times,” He grins at Keith eagerly, “You wanna hear about it? There’s actually some funny stories.”

And Keith smiles back, breath evening out as he shuffles to sit across from Hunk, “Yeah. I’d like that.”


	12. Chapter 12

Lance tracks him down about an hour later. Well. ‘Tracks him down’, in the sense that he had been nervously pacing in his room when Blue’s voice drifted gently through his mind, _“He’s with us. I think he’s feeling better now.’”_ There is a barely subtle suggestion in her words, and Lance sighs as he finally leaves his room.

When he reaches the hangar, everything feels warm. Not the physical environment, but the way each lion seems to be radiating compassion, rustling leaves and soft sand and sunsets. Keith is sitting on the floor leaning against Red’s front paw, and as he approaches them Red feels like a fireplace in winter.

Keith looks surprised to see him, and maybe a little embarrassed, but he doesn’t flinch, which Lance takes as a win, “Oh. Hey Lance.”

“Hey,” for a moment, Lance stands awkwardly in front of the other boy, not entirely sure what to do with himself. But he notices Keith’s shoulders slowly tensing, and quickly sits down across from him, his stomach clenching at the thought of making the other boy nervous. “How are you feeling?”

The embarrassment is back, Keith glancing to the side, and God, all he wants is to not make Keith uncomfortable, why is that so hard? “Good. Or, better than before? I guess?” 

“Well, that’s good,” Lance nods, and okay, now he’s uncomfortable too, Jesus Christ, he wishes he had written something down, “I’m glad. We were all worried.”

Sighing, Keith presses himself back against Red, and Lance wonders if he even realizes he’s doing it, “Yeah. I’m sorry.”

“What?” Lance blinks in surprise, “Dude, you don’t-“

“I know I caused a lot of trouble,” Keith interrupts, “and I know I kind of made things weird for everyone. But it’s fine. I’m fine. You don’t have to go out of your way to be nice to me. Or whatever.” He trails off, and he’s still looking at the floor, but his voice his steady and nonchalant. Lance would find the return of Keith’s bluntness soothing if his words weren’t so very distressing. 

“No! No no no no!” Keith finally looks up, eyes wide at Lance’s outburst, and the blue paladin keeps going, waving his arms dramatically, “I’m being nice to you because we’re _friends_ and you had a really, really, beyond shitty day and I _want_ to be nice to you!” 

“Why?” Keith cocks his head to the side, confused, “I thought you hated me?”

“I-… It’s-… Ugh, it’s complicated!” Lance groans, putting his face in his hands, “I really do consider us friends. But the truth is, I was… I’m really jealous of you because you’re the best pilot and a crazy good fighter and it’s really stressful and so it’s easier to just push your buttons than actually think about it.” Lance feels his face heating up. He hadn’t really planned to say all that.

“…Oh,” there is a spark of realization in Keith’s voice, “I get that.”

Lance glances up through his fingers, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Keith nods, “I think I’m the same way, when I’m feeling bad.” 

_When you’re feeling scared_ , Lance thinks. But he keeps it to himself, because a part of him wonders if that’s how Keith thought before all this. Maybe he didn’t tell them because he didn’t really know, never had the word for what he was feeling other than ‘bad’. “Huh,” a grin forms on Lance’s face, “Look at us, finding out we have more in common than we thought.”

“A Hallmark moment if I’ve ever seen one,” Keith smirks back, and Lance laughs. 

“Oh my God, it totally is.”

“Shiro would be so proud,”

“He’d probably tear up!”

“Get all choked up while making a motivational speech-”

“He’d definitely instigate a group hug-”

“But then get all huffy when we call him ‘dad’.” 

Lance lets out another bark of laughter, Keith ginning at him. As his laughter trails off, Lance wipes his eyes, smiling at the other boy, “Okay. Okay, so we acknowledge we don’t hate each other. Achievement unlocked: friendship established. However, I’ve been reliably informed that I can be a little shit sometimes, and I really am competitive, and honestly bickering with you is just fun,” Keith snorts, but he’s still smiling so Lance continues, “But just know, if I ever make you feel… bad, or worse, or whatever. You can tell me, you know? We’re friends. So I want to be nice to you when you feel bad.”

Keith is blinking in surprise again. The time since he had awoken from the healing pod had been surreal. Even now, with the venom finally gone, the static in his head blissfuly silent, Lance’s words felt a little like a trap. 

But, when he exhales, he finds it easier to push past that feeling then it has been in a long time, “Okay,” he says, “I’ll try.”

“That’s all I ask,” Lance smiles, “And hey, I’ll try too! You know, so we can have something else in common,” he says, winking.

Snorting, Keith leans his head dramatically towards his lion, “What’s that, Red? Lance is a fucking dork? I mean, you’re not wrong,” he grins as Lance sputters indignantly.

“Hey! I’ll have you know, Blue thinks I’m the coolest paladin!”

“A completely unbiased opinion, I’m sure.”

“Rude!” 

Laughing, the two boys stay in the hangar until Shiro comes and finds them for lunch. Lance stands and stretches, and when he holds out a hand to help Keith up, the red paladin doesn’t even flinch, only smiling as he takes accepts the hand.


	13. Chapter 13

The hallway lights were dimmed, an automatic setting that Coran had installed to give the Castle a sense of day and night even when floating through the darkness of space. Tonight it highlighted the fact that no one was sleeping. Passing the control room, Shiro had seen Allura and Coran speaking in gentle whispers, occasionally adjusting a screen. Pidge had passed him in the hallway, her arms filled with tools and wires, and while she was clearly on her way to start an all-night project, Shiro couldn’t bring himself to scold her, smiling fondly as she scurried towards the hangar. He stopped when he saw Hunk and Lance in the kitchen, Lance leaning on the counter while Hunk typed away on a tablet.

Leaning in the doorway, Shiro smiled, “I guess everyone’s awake tonight, huh?”

Jumping slightly, the two younger paladins glanced over. Hunk blinked in surprise, “Really? I figured _someone_ would be asleep.”

“Nah,” Shiro shook his head, “I’ve run into everyone now.” Well, almost everyone. “Although you should at least try to get some sleep…” he frowned in concern.

Lance groaned, dropping his head onto the counter, “Already did. I think I got like half an hour of sleep before a nightmare woke me up. Totally called it by the way,” the last part is mumbled, more to himself than the others.

“Yeah, I was in bed for awhile but just couldn’t fall asleep,” Hunk shrugged.

Shiro sighed, “Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. I think we’re all in the same boat,” he had tossed and turned for almost an hour before giving up, “Don’t worry about morning training tomorrow,” he said as he began to move away from the doorway, “I think we could all use a break.”

“I knew there was a reason we loved you,” Lance smirked, Hunk thanking him as Shiro waved at them, continuing down the hallway.

Walking aimlessly, Shiro thinks about the only teammate he has left to find. He had gone to check on Keith earlier, and while he hadn’t expected him to be asleep, he _had_ thought he’d be in his room. However, after a few gentle knocks Shiro had opened the door to find the red paladin’s room empty. 

He had to keep reminding himself that Keith hadn’t run away, wasn’t hiding somewhere deep in the castle like he had the day before. Keith was a fairly solitary person in general, and on any other day Shiro wouldn’t bat an eye at him being off on his own somewhere.

But now it filled him with unease, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to relax until he found him and made sure he was okay. 

Luckily, it didn’t take Shiro too much longer to find him, although he almost misses him when he glances into the observation deck. Keith is a small silhouette against the backdrop of space, his red jacket the only thing keeping him from blending in with his surroundings completely. 

Standing in the doorway, Shiro has to blink a few times as he allows himself a moment to take in the figure in front of him. Keith is sitting on the floor in front of the main window, his arms resting on his knees which are drawn to his chest. He doesn’t look tense, exactly, but Shiro wouldn’t call him peaceful either. He just looks… still.

“You can sit down,” Shiro jumps at Keith’s voice, the younger shrugging without turning his head, “If you want.”

The black paladin rubs the back of his neck awkwardly as he makes his way over, embarrassed at having been caught staring. “I’m surprised you’re up,” he says conversationally as he sits, “It’s pretty late.”

Keith hums noncommittally, gaze still fixed on the stars in front of him, “Couldn’t sleep.”

If Lance was having nightmares, Shiro could only imagine what visions haunted Keith when he tried to close his eyes. Pushing away his doubt, Shiro shifts to sit as close to Keith as he would on any other day; not touching, but close enough to drape an arm around his shoulders should the need arise. 

For now he keeps his hands to himself. Now that he’s closer, Shiro can see dark circles under the red paladin’s eyes. Memories flash of Keith in the castle hallways, always running, panting, buzzing with desperation and frantic energy, unable to let his guard down. Maybe this stillness is just exhaustion. 

Shiro forces himself to look away, not wanting to stare again. He tries to focus on the expanse of stars in front of him, tries to clear his head, because otherwise he’s going to overthink this. Well, _keep_ overthinking this. ‘This’ being the old wound he’d just discovered within one of his best friends, the one he’d managed to overlook for so long, and what could he do now, how could he help, what is he supposed to say, how in the world does he even begin-

“Everyone keeps saying I don’t need to be sorry,” Keith blurts out. 

Shiro snaps his head to look at the other boy. Keith is pointedly keeping his gaze on the window before him, fingers clenching the fabric of his jacket around his arms, and Shiro can feel his heart pounding as he races to respond, “They're right, you don’t.”

But Keith lets out a harsh breath through his nose, jaw tense as he closes his eyes in frustration, “But I still _am_.” 

Oh, Shiro thinks. Oh. Even coming into this knowing that he couldn’t fix everything in a day, the Black paladin aches. He wishes so badly that telling Keith he doesn’t need to feel this way was enough to make it so. He just wants to take all the bad away from Keith; lift it from his shoulders and bury it far away, burn it until it never existed in the first place. 

Swallowing back the guilt and anger, neither helpful in this moment, he speaks softly, “That’s okay, Keith,” He puts his hand on the red paladin’s tense shoulder, and Shiro would bet money that the only reason he didn’t flinch is because he consciously forced himself not too. “None of us expect this to get better overnight.”

“You didn’t even know about ‘this’ before yesterday,” Keith hisses, and his words are a mosaic of frustration and shame and guilt, and Shiro wonders if a part of Keith is trying to goad Shiro into anger; push him into reacting the way he thinks he should. 

“I’m not mad about that.” Sure enough, Keith’s head jerks up, staring at Shiro’s reflection in the glass with surprise and a hint of disbelief. “Really,” Shiro reiterates, “Keith, you don’t owe us anything. You’re our friend, and I hope that someday you’ll be comfortable enough to _want_ to share your pain with us. But it’s not an obligation. We’ll be here for you either way.”

Keith swallows thickly, gaze falling to the floor in front of him. There is a moment of silence before he speaks, voice soft, “I didn’t mean to keep secrets,” he admits, “I swear. I didn’t know I was…” He hesitates, eyes darting around as he tries to find the words to explain himself, “I guess I just… didn’t think it mattered.”

Shiro nods, “I believe you.” 

And just like that, Shiro feels Keith release a shuddering exhale, and he seems to deflate as the subtle tension bleeds from his body. Cautiously, the black paladin moves his hand to Keith’s other shoulder, letting his arm drape across the younger boy's back, and he feels his heart swell when Keith leans back into it. 

The effect of his words is so drastic that after a moment he can’t stop himself from questioning, “Did you think I wouldn’t?”

Keith shrugs, turning his face away, “I don’t know. Maybe.” He lets out a huff of laughter, shaking his head, “I don’t mean to do that, either.”

“Do what?”

“…Assume the worst of you guys,” his voice is practically a whisper, “I’m kind of used to my assumptions being right. So,” he shrugs again, letting his voice trail off.

If Shiro thought he had felt heartbreak before, he was wrong. This is something different.

“I’m sorry.”

Keith scoffs, “You _definitely_ don’t have anything to be sorry for-“

“No, I mean,” Shiro interrupts, fumbling as he tries to explain, “it’s not an apology, it’s…” For the first time since he walked into the room, Keith turns and looks him in the eye. The red paladin’s eyes are a little glassy, the tears there but still unwilling to let them fall. And Shiro has no idea how or when it happened, but God, he cares about this boy so much, and all he wants is to protect the people he loves, but he can’t protect Keith from the things that have already happened, and Keith didn’t deserve what had already happened, and he’s trying to find the words but he know’s that this is not an apology.

He takes a deep breath, “You were hurt. And I wish you hadn’t been.” He grips Keith a little tighter, “So I’m _sorry_.”

Keith’s eyes widen, and when he blinks, one of the tears escapes. “Oh,” his voice cracks, and he looks away again, “Oh…” 

It’s not fear, he thinks, but Keith feels overwhelmed, and a little lost. The last day has been so much, so fast, and Keith doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do now. It’s out of the realm of his experience. But he is the red paladin, and Red is a gentle flame within him, and so he decides to trust his instincts. 

Shiro is a beat away from speaking, from asking if he’s alright, or something, when Keith leans to the side and lets his head rest on Shiro’s shoulder. He keeps quiet, but he allows more tears to fall down his cheeks, breathing a little unsteady. Shiro doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arm farther around him until his hand can lay gently on Keith’s hair, and Keith curls closer. 

Maybe there’s still more to be said. But not tonight. Tonight, Shiro let’s them fall into comfortable silence, leaning his head against Keith’s when he feels his shoulder become damp with tears. They watch the stars, and take comfort in the fact that they are not alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, NOW it's the end!  
> Sorry it took so long (this is why I post my stuff all at once X_x). I also moved some stuff around, so that's why it looks like I added two chapters, but I really only added one. Thank you so much for reading and please let me know what you think! (I had a lot of trouble with the last few chapters, and endings are really hard,so critiques are always welcome!!)
> 
> Also, if you're interested in my headcanons for how the other paladins would react to my plot-fish, I made a post on my tumblr here ---> https://jamwiththe-spacefam.tumblr.com/post/162921340162/
> 
> <3


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